Ep 6. Raising children responsibly with Nevena Bazalac, Dubai’s #1 family expert and coach.
Raising children responsibly.
Nevena shares her top tips on how to raise children responsibly and which of our behaviours as parents has the largest impact on the child. She shares her insight into what type of communication style and phrases we should be using to support and guide the growth of our little ones into well rounded, confident individuals.
Nevena is best known for her unique “Successful Parenting” Program that provides guidance to parents on how to deal with the most common struggles in parenting, reduce stress, guilt, and worries, re-build harmony in their family, enjoy parenthood more and help their children achieve success in life.
Nevena is also a published author of books “Nursery Yes or No?, “Successful Parenting” and “Create Your Own Future” Program for Orphanages that has a goal to empower children growing up in institutions, without parental guidance, and in poverty.
Season 1 Ep 6
Listen here
0:00:00.080,0:00:04.560
hi mama you’re listening to the mama
podcast it’s Sumayya here the co-founder
0:00:04.560,0:00:08.240
of mama ME app mama me is the first app to
0:00:08.240,0:00:11.360
exclusively connect mothers across the
middle east
0:00:11.360,0:00:15.280
connects with like-minded mamas and
creates lifelong friendships
0:00:15.280,0:00:19.279
at mama we are all about connecting
mamas to empower women
0:00:19.279,0:00:22.960
so let’s join together and make this
mission a reality
0:00:22.960,0:00:28.240
today i’m joined by the lovely nevina
she’s dubai’s number one harmonious
0:00:28.240,0:00:32.880
family expert
and coach author and speaker
0:00:32.880,0:00:37.680
over the last decade nebaner has worked
with over 600 families helping them
0:00:37.680,0:00:41.760
rebuild harmony
and set their children on the right path
0:00:41.760,0:00:48.079
let’s listen into today’s episode
hi nevina thank you so much for joining
0:00:48.079,0:00:51.600
me on the podcast and welcome to the
mama podcast
0:00:51.600,0:00:55.280
thank you samaya it’s pleasure being
here and i’m big fan of everything
0:00:55.280,0:00:58.239
you’re doing
the app connecting with you was so
0:00:58.239,0:01:01.680
amazing
and thank you for having me yeah i’ve
0:01:01.680,0:01:04.159
learned so much from you already and i
know you’ll share
0:01:04.159,0:01:07.760
so much information in this podcast so
um let’s get
0:01:07.760,0:01:12.320
started straight away can we start with
you just giving us a background
0:01:12.320,0:01:15.600
and the listeners a little bit of a
background of um what
0:01:15.600,0:01:19.520
what you do now and what led you to that
as well
0:01:19.520,0:01:23.200
well at the moment i do a few few things
but i like to say
0:01:23.200,0:01:26.400
in general who am i i’m someone who is
very passionate about life
0:01:26.400,0:01:30.479
passionate about children and families
and
0:01:30.479,0:01:34.560
currently i mostly work in coaching i
have my coaching online programs
0:01:34.560,0:01:38.000
group coaching individual coaching and i
have families
0:01:38.000,0:01:42.399
rebuild the harmony because most of the
families they struggle with negative
0:01:42.399,0:01:45.119
emotions
this is what we discovered through my
0:01:45.119,0:01:48.159
decade of my work so they struggle with
anxiety
0:01:48.159,0:01:53.680
fears worries overthinking you know this
is and we feel very overwhelmed and then
0:01:53.680,0:01:56.159
we notice that
usually when your children are between
0:01:56.159,0:01:59.920
two and seven years old this is
when parents report is the most
0:01:59.920,0:02:04.960
difficult for them they lose the harmony
in a way children now uh want much more
0:02:04.960,0:02:08.399
attention from you
right and then maybe have a second child
0:02:08.399,0:02:11.440
and then you have your work
your husband is balancing his work
0:02:11.440,0:02:15.040
you’re balancing your work
so um you know and then people are like
0:02:15.040,0:02:18.720
oh my god this is not the relationship
we had before we are so tired we’re
0:02:18.720,0:02:21.840
overwhelmed
you’re enjoying it but it can be very
0:02:21.840,0:02:26.239
stressful and this is where i jump in
uh i really hope people enjoy parenting
0:02:26.239,0:02:29.599
more uh
rebuild stronger relationship and move
0:02:29.599,0:02:33.760
you know i like to say from good to
outstanding because a lot of people are
0:02:33.760,0:02:37.920
having prejudice oh if we if we ask for
help when it comes to family
0:02:37.920,0:02:41.040
it means that we are doing something
wrong it means that i’m not a good
0:02:41.040,0:02:45.120
mother or i’m not a good father
and i always like to say it’s not about
0:02:45.120,0:02:49.040
that it’s about really going on the next
level we can always become better
0:02:49.040,0:02:53.120
we can always learn more and our
relationships with our children with our
0:02:53.120,0:02:56.879
partner with our you know
uh family now you have grandparents who
0:02:56.879,0:03:01.440
want to be involved it can be very
complicated different cultures as well
0:03:01.440,0:03:05.519
so we we just want to make this family
harmonious as much as possible so
0:03:05.519,0:03:09.280
everybody
are joyful and happy but let me just go
0:03:09.280,0:03:12.000
step back so people know a little bit
more about my background
0:03:12.000,0:03:16.720
as well i’m originally from serbia and i
think a part of my passion i think big
0:03:16.720,0:03:19.760
part of my passion comes from my
personal journey
0:03:19.760,0:03:24.799
um i didn’t grow up in harmonious family
my parents who stayed together 25 years
0:03:24.799,0:03:28.400
but
it wasn’t harmony at all and they didn’t
0:03:28.400,0:03:33.120
have a good relationship and i think
i learned so much from it i learned the
0:03:33.120,0:03:37.040
things when parents ask me oh will this
we’re gonna talk about this today right
0:03:37.040,0:03:40.799
but will this influence my child
and then they’re not aware of some other
0:03:40.799,0:03:42.879
things that really influence the
children
0:03:42.879,0:03:46.159
and i think because i went through that
myself
0:03:46.159,0:03:50.640
you know i i really remember some small
things when i was very young that
0:03:50.640,0:03:54.640
kind of hurt us you know parents don’t
do this intentionally but
0:03:54.640,0:03:59.120
they leave an impact on us and we all
have these memories right we only why
0:03:59.120,0:04:03.439
why parents didn’t do this or that
of course i always like to say parents
0:04:03.439,0:04:07.680
do the best they can
and that’s that point um and
0:04:07.680,0:04:11.519
we never never should blame our parents
for anything but we just want to have an
0:04:11.519,0:04:14.560
understanding
and see later on as we grow up how to
0:04:14.560,0:04:18.000
rebuild that relationship
and me i’m very happy that i managed to
0:04:18.000,0:04:21.840
rebuild relationship with my dad
specifically through everything we’ve
0:04:21.840,0:04:26.160
been through and this was my personal
journey because i went through so much
0:04:26.160,0:04:30.240
you know negative emotions and before
hate and anger
0:04:30.240,0:04:34.960
um and then i was disappointed also
because i didn’t have the support
0:04:34.960,0:04:39.280
and i i had to learn so much i had my
coaches i learned from tony robbins and
0:04:39.280,0:04:43.680
others and i learned so much
about myself and when we go to our
0:04:43.680,0:04:47.600
personal journey then
i believe we can truly help others but
0:04:47.600,0:04:50.800
then my background i loved working with
children i started working with children
0:04:50.800,0:04:54.000
i was 15
and i was in a university for child
0:04:54.000,0:04:57.919
development and psychology
specifically specializing in working
0:04:57.919,0:05:02.720
with children with
special needs and i went to sign up when
0:05:02.720,0:05:07.520
i was 20 years old to volunteer in our
government orphanage and we had around
0:05:07.520,0:05:11.440
400 children over there
and there were most of them eighty
0:05:11.440,0:05:15.680
percent ninety percent
children with disabilities so it was an
0:05:15.680,0:05:19.520
incredible learning experience for me
because what i learned also that
0:05:19.520,0:05:24.080
what i’m studying in university doesn’t
necessarily bring results in practice
0:05:24.080,0:05:27.600
so i’m someone who is very passionate
about really looking for solution in
0:05:27.600,0:05:31.120
practice
and finding people who can teach you and
0:05:31.120,0:05:34.960
you know from the tony robbins
testimonial himself he was my mentor he
0:05:34.960,0:05:37.520
said
in what he mentioned the most stressful
0:05:37.520,0:05:40.560
environment
are those practical environments because
0:05:40.560,0:05:43.840
when you are there in orphanage when you
are now trying to support child
0:05:43.840,0:05:48.160
development and nothing is working
you have to find solution okay how i
0:05:48.160,0:05:51.840
build this why is this child
behaving like this what is triggering
0:05:51.840,0:05:55.440
them and so on
and my coaching journey started over
0:05:55.440,0:05:59.440
there i joined
uh a center we had a daily center and we
0:05:59.440,0:06:04.560
had parents who were supposed to come
and uh you know bring uh pic take the
0:06:04.560,0:06:08.000
children back because for certain
reasons the social service will just
0:06:08.000,0:06:12.240
take the child for some time and then we
would assess parents and see if they’re
0:06:12.240,0:06:16.080
ready emotionally they’re ready
financially they can really give support
0:06:16.080,0:06:19.600
so this is where my coaching journey
started i’ve been in dubai for four
0:06:19.600,0:06:22.639
years
now and i also had a pleasure to really
0:06:22.639,0:06:27.440
manage a group of nurseries here
um which was an incredible experience
0:06:27.440,0:06:32.880
and what i love about dubai that gave me
a lot of knowledge about traditions a
0:06:32.880,0:06:36.800
lot of knowledge about how
culture and how depending on which
0:06:36.800,0:06:40.240
culture
we grow up and what our parents teach us
0:06:40.240,0:06:45.280
how we represent this to our children
so i can see that here we had 83
0:06:45.280,0:06:48.479
nationalities
in in nurseries in dubai so it was an
0:06:48.479,0:06:53.280
incredible experience
and um yes i’m published author of of uh
0:06:53.280,0:06:56.560
book nursery yes or no and my second
book is coming
0:06:56.560,0:06:59.840
out soon it’s going to be specifically
about this topic that we are talking
0:06:59.840,0:07:05.520
about parenting and the emotions
parents go through so yes i mean this is
0:07:05.520,0:07:07.840
it
i also had a pleasure to train i work
0:07:07.840,0:07:10.960
closely with schools and nurseries i
train professionals
0:07:10.960,0:07:14.960
because i believe it’s a congruence
circle right you have teachers you have
0:07:14.960,0:07:17.919
parents you have children
and everybody you’re engaged and
0:07:17.919,0:07:21.919
everybody has to be on the
same page so in the last three four
0:07:21.919,0:07:25.280
years i trained over
i don’t know thousands of professionals
0:07:25.280,0:07:29.599
managers leaders
and teachers so it’s it’s a pleasure to
0:07:29.599,0:07:33.199
hear their opinions and their parents as
well so it’s it’s constant
0:07:33.199,0:07:36.400
learning and i’m very passionate about
it and um i’m just
0:07:36.400,0:07:40.160
feeling so grateful and blessed for
everything i am able to do
0:07:40.160,0:07:44.240
it’s incredible what you’ve been um up
to over the last sort of four
0:07:44.240,0:07:47.680
four years in dubai and then previous to
that as well and
0:07:47.680,0:07:51.759
honestly you’re so inspiring i every
time i have a conversation with you
0:07:51.759,0:07:58.080
i learn something new so um yeah
i’m so like grateful that i can speak to
0:07:58.080,0:08:00.960
you and like you know you’re here
talking to me today
0:08:00.960,0:08:04.800
um i think you touched on quite a few
things there
0:08:04.800,0:08:08.319
and i’m really interested to find out
about the cultures but i think if we’re
0:08:08.319,0:08:12.319
going to that conversation right now
we’ll probably end up in a deeper hall
0:08:12.319,0:08:14.720
of like a completely different
conversation
0:08:14.720,0:08:17.759
um so maybe something to talk about at
some stage
0:08:17.759,0:08:21.440
um in the future but i’d really love to
talk about
0:08:21.440,0:08:28.960
um what or how we impact our children so
what we do as parents can and how that
0:08:28.960,0:08:31.759
impacts
children in a positive and a negative
0:08:31.759,0:08:34.719
way because i know
obviously we try to do everything that’s
0:08:34.719,0:08:39.440
helpful and we want
them to grow in a certain way but how
0:08:39.440,0:08:42.880
like what are those things and i’m sure
you’ve got a lot of um information on
0:08:42.880,0:08:46.399
that as well
yeah well first i always like to start
0:08:46.399,0:08:51.120
that you know parenting is about us
not our children and i think you and me
0:08:51.120,0:08:55.120
we had this conversation before but
uh you know you have to unders we have
0:08:55.120,0:08:58.959
to understand that it’s our personal
journey we have to become better
0:08:58.959,0:09:02.640
and unfortunately we always say oh my
child is triggering me they’re not
0:09:02.640,0:09:06.080
listening to me
and so on so i’m like you know they’re
0:09:06.080,0:09:08.640
not there to listen to you we are there
to guide them
0:09:08.640,0:09:11.760
we are there to guide them and raise
them to become the best version of
0:09:11.760,0:09:14.959
themselves
but we also have to remember we are role
0:09:14.959,0:09:17.279
models and i would start with this i
think
0:09:17.279,0:09:22.800
uh we like to say children don’t
listen they’re watching so if you’re
0:09:22.800,0:09:26.640
saying one thing but then doing another
thing you’re gonna have opposite results
0:09:26.640,0:09:29.120
right children
are observed if you’re telling them to
0:09:29.120,0:09:33.760
be calm and kind and then you go to the
supermarket and you shout at someone
0:09:33.760,0:09:38.320
you know they’re gonna learn to behave
this way so we cannot teach
0:09:38.320,0:09:41.760
one thing preach one thing and leave
another another one
0:09:41.760,0:09:45.839
um and it’s a it’s a journey for
ourselves i mean for me we always all
0:09:45.839,0:09:49.760
have everyday challenges to become
better to be more kind to react and
0:09:49.760,0:09:53.839
stressful situation
and let go of other things and another
0:09:53.839,0:09:56.320
thing
uh first one right understanding
0:09:56.320,0:10:00.800
parenting is about us
and another thing our journey and second
0:10:00.800,0:10:03.839
thing i would like to
mention is understanding of child
0:10:03.839,0:10:06.959
development in general understanding of
the mind
0:10:06.959,0:10:10.959
and this is something i learned and i
think the most powerful information i
0:10:10.959,0:10:16.560
learned is from my mentor bob proctor
he’s a pioneer in mindset i absolutely
0:10:16.560,0:10:20.000
love
bob and i learned from him he actually
0:10:20.000,0:10:23.760
simplified you know read so many books
in psychology conscious mind
0:10:23.760,0:10:26.959
subconscious mind
but if you have a chance you know i from
0:10:26.959,0:10:30.880
my heart i don’t you know get anything
from recommending but bob is really one
0:10:30.880,0:10:34.320
you can find
so many materials on the mind and our
0:10:34.320,0:10:37.680
behavior from him
and what he did he very simplified
0:10:37.680,0:10:40.880
things and
once i learned this he gave me such a
0:10:40.880,0:10:43.839
clear picture why we behave in a certain
way
0:10:43.839,0:10:48.079
and how are children also learning so
we’re going to touch on this point
0:10:48.079,0:10:52.160
but first we i would start by saying
that you know we we learned that we know
0:10:52.160,0:10:55.680
we have
conscious and subconscious mind but to
0:10:55.680,0:11:00.320
understand it we like to say that
conscious mind is an intellectual mind
0:11:00.320,0:11:03.440
right so it’s the mind where we collect
information
0:11:03.440,0:11:07.600
and you can have a lot of information
but then you don’t have to have any
0:11:07.600,0:11:11.680
results and i’m sure you know someone
like this right they are so smart
0:11:11.680,0:11:16.160
they they can have the best education
but in life they don’t get any results
0:11:16.160,0:11:19.839
and then we have all those entrepreneurs
like richard branson
0:11:19.839,0:11:23.920
you know and all of those successful
people even bob proctor he didn’t finish
0:11:23.920,0:11:27.200
he’s talking about himself right he
didn’t even finish high school
0:11:27.200,0:11:31.920
and they they have tremendous success so
he was the one first who was obsessed
0:11:31.920,0:11:34.399
right
why we do things and get those results
0:11:34.399,0:11:38.560
and when i started studying this in
depth and working with him
0:11:38.560,0:11:42.000
i really started understanding myself
and then understanding children because
0:11:42.000,0:11:45.040
i’ve been working with children for so
long and i see
0:11:45.040,0:11:48.160
how we can get really good results with
them
0:11:48.160,0:11:51.519
um so the first thing i like to mention
now is
0:11:51.519,0:11:55.120
we have to understand what is
subconscious mind and subconscious mind
0:11:55.120,0:11:59.440
is the part of the mind where basically
we collect our habits right
0:11:59.440,0:12:05.839
and we function on the habits um
so everything you do in the morning your
0:12:05.839,0:12:08.000
my
your brain and your mind actually want
0:12:08.000,0:12:11.200
to create habits so you don’t have to
think about every single
0:12:11.200,0:12:15.200
uh thing you do so if you have to get up
and brush your feet you’re not gonna
0:12:15.200,0:12:18.240
think how you’re gonna do it
you’re not gonna think how to open
0:12:18.240,0:12:21.120
things how to put your trousers and so
on
0:12:21.120,0:12:24.720
and this is very interesting for me
because
0:12:24.720,0:12:28.320
we start collecting habits and as we
have habits what we do in the morning
0:12:28.320,0:12:31.600
what we do during the day what do we do
with our free time
0:12:31.600,0:12:36.720
and so on this is something that was
that it brings us results and when it
0:12:36.720,0:12:39.920
comes to children in the first six to
seven years
0:12:39.920,0:12:43.920
we always say this is golden years right
because what we do in this time
0:12:43.920,0:12:47.120
is gonna really reflect and build
children character build their
0:12:47.120,0:12:50.560
personality
and interesting information that i
0:12:50.560,0:12:54.320
learned is that the subconscious mind is
completely open
0:12:54.320,0:12:57.519
which means everything we pour in is
gonna
0:12:57.519,0:13:01.360
you know leave some kind of mark on
children and we want to really be
0:13:01.360,0:13:05.279
cautious what we are doing
and one of the things that we don’t
0:13:05.279,0:13:08.639
understand is that even if you play
something on the tv that’s not
0:13:08.639,0:13:11.440
appropriate and the child is just
playing in the corner
0:13:11.440,0:13:16.000
they’re still listening to something and
it will go to their mind
0:13:16.000,0:13:20.320
and we want to be cautious things we are
saying right and
0:13:20.320,0:13:24.320
things that we’re exposing children to
because it can sometimes
0:13:24.320,0:13:27.920
leave you know we can have they can have
nightmares and bad dreams because
0:13:27.920,0:13:32.399
they’re not
understanding it yet so um to start to
0:13:32.399,0:13:36.160
to continue right so we
have now the mind is open and what i
0:13:36.160,0:13:39.199
learned is this also
helped me understand how we learn
0:13:39.199,0:13:42.800
languages for example and why we can
learn any language
0:13:42.800,0:13:47.360
in the world so children as the
subconscious mind is open
0:13:47.360,0:13:50.399
when we expose them to for example
different languages
0:13:50.399,0:13:53.920
they cannot reject and say no i’m not
going to learn english or french or
0:13:53.920,0:13:57.120
arabic
so they’re listening to it and they
0:13:57.120,0:14:00.240
gonna learn it
of course how much and how good will
0:14:00.240,0:14:03.440
depend also if they have opportunity to
use the language
0:14:03.440,0:14:08.079
so this when i start studying and then i
start applying it to different areas
0:14:08.079,0:14:11.199
especially language for example it makes
so much sense
0:14:11.199,0:14:14.320
because everything we are pouring in
they cannot reject
0:14:14.320,0:14:18.320
the behavior that we are teaching them
information we are giving to them
0:14:18.320,0:14:22.639
they gonna adopt the behavior you know
very funny in uae you have these
0:14:22.639,0:14:25.519
cultures
for example people from india how they
0:14:25.519,0:14:28.959
have their body language and you see
small childhoods you know nodding their
0:14:28.959,0:14:31.760
head
which is so funny right they’re copying
0:14:31.760,0:14:37.120
everything they see in the family
and uh it’s incredible right then they
0:14:37.120,0:14:40.160
speak the way
the same way the mom speaks they use the
0:14:40.160,0:14:44.000
same vocabulary
so they’re learning based on the things
0:14:44.000,0:14:48.160
they’re exposed to
and i mean in all different cultures we
0:14:48.160,0:14:52.959
can see the way the vocabulary
and language and so on so this is
0:14:52.959,0:14:56.720
incredibly interesting for me and i’m
still learning and always learning more
0:14:56.720,0:15:01.120
and i think as we continue uh we’re
gonna talk specifically on some things i
0:15:01.120,0:15:05.360
also noticed and i know we shouldn’t do
and then some things that we should do
0:15:05.360,0:15:08.079
to really set our children for success
and
0:15:08.079,0:15:13.600
build confidence and self-esteem in them
yeah i think so we all want to raise a
0:15:13.600,0:15:17.600
confident
and empathic human
0:15:17.600,0:15:22.320
and yeah i’d love to hear what those
things are to be able to
0:15:22.320,0:15:28.880
um raise a confident independent
thoughtful you know all these traits
0:15:28.880,0:15:31.680
that we really don’t do want in our
child
0:15:31.680,0:15:35.519
yeah so i mean if you i don’t know if
you want to speak about this topic today
0:15:35.519,0:15:39.360
or we keep it for another because it’s
the whole difficult different topic
0:15:39.360,0:15:43.440
but um if you agree i would just stay
with some things that let’s let’s maybe
0:15:43.440,0:15:48.320
start with five things that
we we shouldn’t do right sure um if if
0:15:48.320,0:15:52.800
you’re fine with it yeah absolutely
i think i lead i’ll yes i don’t want to
0:15:52.800,0:15:57.680
direct you off topic completely because
um yeah let’s stick to what we agreed
0:15:57.680,0:15:59.920
which is
let’s talk about the positives and
0:15:59.920,0:16:05.199
negatives of how we can raise a more
responsibly raise a child yeah because
0:16:05.199,0:16:08.000
there is so much information and i know
if we go into raising
0:16:08.000,0:16:11.199
confidence and independence we’re just
going to stay there
0:16:11.199,0:16:15.600
so maybe we can we can arrange for
another another episode if the listeners
0:16:15.600,0:16:20.800
would love to hear that this as well
so um first thing i would like to say
0:16:20.800,0:16:26.079
very important to understand is children
um we have higher faculties so some
0:16:26.079,0:16:30.880
some capabilities and things of mind
it makes us different than the animals
0:16:30.880,0:16:35.120
and one of the things is
imagination right and also reasoning
0:16:35.120,0:16:38.800
which means
ability to think about our thinking so
0:16:38.800,0:16:42.240
when you have a thought you can say oh
is this thought good or bad
0:16:42.240,0:16:46.320
or how why am i thinking this why am i
not feeling this way right we can
0:16:46.320,0:16:50.000
we can analyze and evaluate our thinking
and another
0:16:50.000,0:16:54.240
another higher faculty we have is for
example imagination
0:16:54.240,0:16:58.000
and imagination is so powerful tool and
unfortunately
0:16:58.000,0:17:02.639
educational system and families are very
often suppressing imagination they will
0:17:02.639,0:17:06.400
tell you stop fantasizing
stop looking through the window you you
0:17:06.400,0:17:09.839
don’t live in the real world right even
when we are adults and you have a dream
0:17:09.839,0:17:12.799
and you want to achieve something they
said that’s not going to work you’re not
0:17:12.799,0:17:15.600
realistic so they tell you to be
realistic
0:17:15.600,0:17:20.880
and if we really look around ourselves
if you look at this laptop if you look
0:17:20.880,0:17:25.280
at your car if you look
and you think 100 years ago none of this
0:17:25.280,0:17:28.799
exists
right if you look at the painting so
0:17:28.799,0:17:32.960
everything we created
came from someone’s mind it was once
0:17:32.960,0:17:37.840
only an idea
right and imagination is so powerful and
0:17:37.840,0:17:42.400
i truly believe the things we imagine
if we really work towards it if we you
0:17:42.400,0:17:44.880
know invest some kind of work to think
over them
0:17:44.880,0:17:48.720
you know they say we become what we
think so we can create our life and i
0:17:48.720,0:17:51.520
experienced this in
my life changed direction of my life so
0:17:51.520,0:17:54.720
many times
and i now understand i have the
0:17:54.720,0:17:57.120
awareness and i understand how powerful
this
0:17:57.120,0:18:01.360
is so as parents we don’t want to kill
imagination right
0:18:01.360,0:18:04.799
we want to let children play as much as
possible
0:18:04.799,0:18:09.120
and as longer as possible right a lot of
culture are so
0:18:09.120,0:18:14.000
focused on academic skills on reading
and writing and math and i think child
0:18:14.000,0:18:17.440
is super smart if they know you know all
the alphabet
0:18:17.440,0:18:22.880
and um this is topic on itself but
uh very important to understand that we
0:18:22.880,0:18:27.039
want to foster imagination
in children and we want to let them play
0:18:27.039,0:18:30.000
because through play
they’re learning so much and they need
0:18:30.000,0:18:35.360
to have at least few hours a day
to play even when they’re you know 10 11
0:18:35.360,0:18:39.840
they should have some time to play and
do some sports i love sports so much
0:18:39.840,0:18:43.840
so imagination killing imagination and
suppressing imagination telling children
0:18:43.840,0:18:48.160
to be realistic
to not fantasize uh it’s
0:18:48.160,0:18:51.360
it’s the first thing we want to avoid
doing because it’s something that can
0:18:51.360,0:18:55.520
really
make it very powerful on on the opposite
0:18:55.520,0:18:59.120
what you want to do in this situation is
you want to keep asking children
0:18:59.120,0:19:02.080
questions
oh how do you imagine this why you want
0:19:02.080,0:19:05.120
to do it
um what happened then if they’re telling
0:19:05.120,0:19:08.160
your story if they’re playing with their
dolls or if they’re playing with their
0:19:08.160,0:19:11.520
legos you want to keep
asking them what happened then what you
0:19:11.520,0:19:16.240
know what did she do what did she say
and you just listen and you’re gonna see
0:19:16.240,0:19:20.000
how your child
observes you know the the world how do
0:19:20.000,0:19:24.640
you observe the world how much they know
um and then you want to see what moral
0:19:24.640,0:19:28.400
lesson we want to teach them and what
kind of like you said a kind person
0:19:28.400,0:19:33.600
empathic person we want them to become
and second thing i think we we have to
0:19:33.600,0:19:37.360
avoid
definitely is like mocking and making
0:19:37.360,0:19:40.720
jokes
on children sometimes and in different
0:19:40.720,0:19:42.640
cultures this is something i’ve been
through
0:19:42.640,0:19:46.640
and i always felt to my mom like why
would you do and say this
0:19:46.640,0:19:49.679
but they don’t have awareness they were
raised in the same way
0:19:49.679,0:19:53.200
so you know they would mock they would
say hi you’re so ugly or
0:19:53.200,0:19:57.039
i i found the video i didn’t have my
teeth my mom says haha look at you don’t
0:19:57.039,0:20:00.400
have teeth and i was so confident i
would say i don’t care
0:20:00.400,0:20:03.760
you know and i would just keep singing
and dancing on the video it was so much
0:20:03.760,0:20:07.120
fun to see
and i looked at myself and i said wow
0:20:07.120,0:20:11.280
like children are so
confident but if we keep doing this it
0:20:11.280,0:20:16.480
really can suppress their confidence
so telling children mocking in a way
0:20:16.480,0:20:19.200
like a joke
and some cultures they believe it’s
0:20:19.200,0:20:23.120
going to make them stronger i think it’s
in my culture as well like you know
0:20:23.120,0:20:26.640
make them tougher i don’t know we’ve
been through so much i’m from serbia we
0:20:26.640,0:20:29.520
had you know when i was growing up of
wars and things so
0:20:29.520,0:20:33.120
people just wanted you to be tough you
know um
0:20:33.120,0:20:37.360
so i think definitely something you want
to avoid telling your children you know
0:20:37.360,0:20:41.760
even even sometimes as a joke like oh
you’re dumb you’re stupid
0:20:41.760,0:20:45.200
and things like that because what
happens if they listen and hear it
0:20:45.200,0:20:49.760
so many times it impress in their mind
and subconscious mind and they create a
0:20:49.760,0:20:54.080
self-image of themselves as ugly
or chubby you know they always call me
0:20:54.080,0:20:57.440
chubby when i wasn’t chubby
and then i had the self-image of myself
0:20:57.440,0:21:01.679
that i’m chubby and i’m like i’m not
actually chubby why i believe this about
0:21:01.679,0:21:06.480
myself because it was suppressed
around my family as a kind of joke or
0:21:06.480,0:21:09.919
you know sometimes
we love children say you are my monkey
0:21:09.919,0:21:13.200
and things like that
so why would we call them these words so
0:21:13.200,0:21:17.919
we want to be very
very careful um about that and um
0:21:17.919,0:21:22.480
also things like saying a lot of people
are saying oh you’re naughty
0:21:22.480,0:21:26.320
um you know you’re a bad boy or you’re a
bad girl
0:21:26.320,0:21:29.360
what we want to do is differentiate
behavior
0:21:29.360,0:21:34.559
from a child so if if a child is not
doing something correctly you want to
0:21:34.559,0:21:39.120
tell them that you’re very disappointing
uh disappointed in their behavior but
0:21:39.120,0:21:43.120
not in them
that their behavior is not okay because
0:21:43.120,0:21:45.520
if you
if you behave in a different way they’re
0:21:45.520,0:21:49.120
gonna have different results
if you wanna in a way punish them i
0:21:49.120,0:21:51.679
don’t know maybe take their ipad if
they’re really not
0:21:51.679,0:21:55.039
listening and you now don’t know what to
do you wanna say you know what
0:21:55.039,0:21:58.080
i wanna let you know that you this
behavior of yours
0:21:58.080,0:22:01.840
it’s not all right and that’s why this
is the consequence
0:22:01.840,0:22:05.120
we had the children in nurseries they
always torn books right they still don’t
0:22:05.120,0:22:09.440
know they’re learning books
so we tried we talked to them and then
0:22:09.440,0:22:12.640
few times we had to remove the books so
they would come and they would be like
0:22:12.640,0:22:15.840
where are the books
and we said no this is the consequence
0:22:15.840,0:22:20.080
you don’t get any books because you keep
turning them but it doesn’t mean that
0:22:20.080,0:22:24.240
the child is bad by doing it
it’s just the behavior so now they learn
0:22:24.240,0:22:28.640
okay this is the consequence for
the behavior if i change my behavior i
0:22:28.640,0:22:32.559
will get
different results so very very important
0:22:32.559,0:22:35.520
differentiation and not telling them
you’re not a girl you’re not
0:22:35.520,0:22:38.799
just telling you are not behaving nice
right now and then
0:22:38.799,0:22:41.840
you know ask them to change their
behavior but never
0:22:41.840,0:22:46.240
express that you’re disappointed in them
in them as a person and they’re a bad
0:22:46.240,0:22:49.440
person and
because it really creates a self image
0:22:49.440,0:22:52.400
that’s gonna
just you know naughty boy if you tell
0:22:52.400,0:22:54.320
them you’re naughty or naughty or
naughty
0:22:54.320,0:22:57.520
they grow up they’re teenagers they’re
gonna look for trouble right because
0:22:57.520,0:23:01.200
they believe they’re naughty
it’s just the self-image we created very
0:23:01.200,0:23:04.400
powerful very important
and so it’s it’s the same the other way
0:23:04.400,0:23:08.640
around as well right
the same with saying good girl good boy
0:23:08.640,0:23:12.799
um
so my question to you is we are still i
0:23:12.799,0:23:16.960
think people are more aware of it now
yet we are still in a society where this
0:23:16.960,0:23:21.039
is still very common
people still use those words a lot so
0:23:21.039,0:23:23.760
even if you’re say
for example in the playground and
0:23:23.760,0:23:27.919
another parent sees your child
doing something their response to that
0:23:27.919,0:23:31.840
is oh
well done or good girl or good job or
0:23:31.840,0:23:34.320
whatever it might be but it’s a very
sort of
0:23:34.320,0:23:38.000
um they associate it with the person and
so
0:23:38.000,0:23:42.400
with that do you think having like a
school teacher or someone who’s an
0:23:42.400,0:23:46.400
outside person saying those things would
that have the same impact on the child
0:23:46.400,0:23:50.720
if say for example your child is at
school and the teacher uses those words
0:23:50.720,0:23:54.240
oh that’s naughty naughty boy
would that have the same impact on the
0:23:54.240,0:23:58.000
child as it would if the parents are
using the same words
0:23:58.000,0:24:01.279
it has especially in the first years i
believe it has
0:24:01.279,0:24:05.360
because people around us and especially
in nurseries and schools they spend a
0:24:05.360,0:24:09.039
lot of hours
and they also have attachment you know
0:24:09.039,0:24:12.640
with pair with teachers
i don’t know i remember something my
0:24:12.640,0:24:15.919
teacher said that hurt me emotionally
you know when they were unfair
0:24:15.919,0:24:19.760
they gave this mark to this boy and it
wasn’t fair they then gave it to me so
0:24:19.760,0:24:22.960
we really really remember these things
so i think
0:24:22.960,0:24:28.640
uh it has to be this kind of fairness
and also awareness a lot of teachers
0:24:28.640,0:24:32.559
they do have training
some they they’re not aware of it yet
0:24:32.559,0:24:35.760
but
i think very important is you know that
0:24:35.760,0:24:38.480
they are trained they understand and
also parents
0:24:38.480,0:24:42.960
understand as well so it can have impact
for the positive things
0:24:42.960,0:24:46.000
um i mean we do want to build a positive
self-image
0:24:46.000,0:24:49.679
because if somebody believes they’re
good they’re behaving good right
0:24:49.679,0:24:54.080
um then yes they should be praised for
it and praising is something you want to
0:24:54.080,0:24:57.360
incorporate
as much as possible right but also you
0:24:57.360,0:25:01.200
can tell them wow this was really nice
behavior so if if
0:25:01.200,0:25:04.640
before for example they were not
listening or something was happening now
0:25:04.640,0:25:08.159
they’re playing very nicely
you want to just go ahead and tell them
0:25:08.159,0:25:12.159
wow you’re
you know playing so nice i’m so happy
0:25:12.159,0:25:15.200
right so you tell them that
now you are happy because of their
0:25:15.200,0:25:18.960
behavior right um
and things like that and it doesn’t
0:25:18.960,0:25:23.600
always have to be
connected with rewards a lot of parents
0:25:23.600,0:25:26.159
want to you know okay
if you are good i’m going to give you a
0:25:26.159,0:25:30.240
reward so i always say don’t negotiate
with children they need to learn that
0:25:30.240,0:25:33.120
they need to behave certain way even
nobody uh
0:25:33.120,0:25:36.400
rewards them you go to work and you work
hard and
0:25:36.400,0:25:40.240
i don’t know you maybe never get
rewarded right so
0:25:40.240,0:25:43.919
in life we’re not gonna always get a
reward so children also have to learn
0:25:43.919,0:25:46.400
that
they should behave good and play nicely
0:25:46.400,0:25:49.520
and play good just
to play good this is the behavior it’s
0:25:49.520,0:25:54.240
acceptable and not to get the reward and
and very young they’re gonna start maybe
0:25:54.240,0:25:57.760
when your two-year-old daughter is now
maybe starting to negotiate with you
0:25:57.760,0:26:01.600
okay i’m gonna do it if i get an ice
cream or if you go for a walk
0:26:01.600,0:26:06.799
so uh you wanna stop it in a way saying
okay you can get an ice cream today
0:26:06.799,0:26:10.000
uh you know but not that’s not the
reason
0:26:10.000,0:26:14.720
why we’re going outside or why you know
so we want to really make sure that they
0:26:14.720,0:26:18.720
learn to behave
certain way not just to get a reward for
0:26:18.720,0:26:21.600
the reward
yeah and then let me move if you’re
0:26:21.600,0:26:25.919
finally let me move uh to another thing
um i think it’s very important to
0:26:25.919,0:26:29.760
sometimes children have um
they need our support if they’re
0:26:29.760,0:26:34.240
disappointed if somebody hurt them
you know if they had a fight with
0:26:34.240,0:26:38.559
friends and it’s very important as
parents one mistake is if we don’t give
0:26:38.559,0:26:41.120
them
a proper support if we’re not listening
0:26:41.120,0:26:44.240
to them
if they have a need to express their
0:26:44.240,0:26:49.600
emotions because we do
want children and people in general to
0:26:49.600,0:26:53.360
learn to express their emotions
and we can see this differentiation
0:26:53.360,0:26:57.200
between men and women because society
was kind of teaching men
0:26:57.200,0:27:01.279
if you’re a boy that says stop crying
you’re a boy right and if they have a
0:27:01.279,0:27:04.720
need to cry
it should be fine that they’re crying if
0:27:04.720,0:27:08.400
they need help if they need support and
men are also very very emotional
0:27:08.400,0:27:12.400
they’re very emotional they need care
and this struggle uh this is what i see
0:27:12.400,0:27:15.440
through my work and coaching they
struggle so much because they don’t know
0:27:15.440,0:27:19.520
how to express their emotions
they believe that it’s a shame you know
0:27:19.520,0:27:23.120
to ask for help or support
and this is something that just society
0:27:23.120,0:27:26.960
taught them so if children
have some kind of needs to express
0:27:26.960,0:27:32.000
themselves they didn’t have a need
to be cuddled and give comfort we don’t
0:27:32.000,0:27:34.640
want to avoid that we
don’t want to tell them you know toughen
0:27:34.640,0:27:39.279
up we really want to support them in
that as well
0:27:39.279,0:27:43.440
and then let me move to a fourth one um
fourth thing you want to avoid
0:27:43.440,0:27:49.600
is as parents husband and wife or two
uh you know um two parents you want to
0:27:49.600,0:27:52.640
avoid having
opposite opinions so you want to avoid
0:27:52.640,0:27:55.440
one parent saying no another parent
saying yes
0:27:55.440,0:27:59.679
and this was happening constantly in my
family and you have to understand your
0:27:59.679,0:28:03.200
child see you as one and see you as a
family
0:28:03.200,0:28:07.840
so when you say no and yes now child
feels like they’re separated they’re
0:28:07.840,0:28:10.640
literally torn
and they don’t understand should they
0:28:10.640,0:28:13.360
listen decided should they listen that
side
0:28:13.360,0:28:18.559
and many parents uh sometimes we maybe
do it unintentionally but very often
0:28:18.559,0:28:22.480
we do it because of relationship we have
with one another
0:28:22.480,0:28:25.760
and um it’s very important we
communicate
0:28:25.760,0:28:29.840
so we want to be on the same page with
our partner so they understand okay i
0:28:29.840,0:28:32.559
don’t want them
you know i didn’t give them for example
0:28:32.559,0:28:36.320
ice cream because of this
if i say they shouldn’t have ice cream
0:28:36.320,0:28:40.960
every time i need you to support me
and sometimes you know um let’s say a
0:28:40.960,0:28:45.120
dad who is working a lot they feel bad
because they don’t see them often so now
0:28:45.120,0:28:48.399
they’re just happy they’re like so what
is the big deal just give them ice cream
0:28:48.399,0:28:51.760
or i’m gonna buy them a toy
and you really want to communicate and
0:28:51.760,0:28:55.520
say you know this was the i understand
your point of view what is my point of
0:28:55.520,0:28:58.159
view
and we want to be consistent because
0:28:58.159,0:29:02.720
children learn through consistency
uh if we are not consistent we then just
0:29:02.720,0:29:06.480
torn them
and make a confusion for them this is
0:29:06.480,0:29:11.520
the fourth thing and then the fifth one
is um saying no without explanation and
0:29:11.520,0:29:14.880
this is something we do on
everyday basis you just tell them no no
0:29:14.880,0:29:18.960
stop it no
no and they don’t understand no
0:29:18.960,0:29:22.080
why we’re saying no especially when
they’re very young two years old three
0:29:22.080,0:29:24.960
years old they are now very intrigued
why are they telling me no
0:29:24.960,0:29:28.320
don’t go there don’t climb here we try
to
0:29:28.320,0:29:32.720
protect them but we don’t see from their
perspective so they’re just trying to
0:29:32.720,0:29:34.559
explore
and they want to know what’s going to
0:29:34.559,0:29:39.279
happen right
so uh very important that if we give no
0:29:39.279,0:29:43.919
and we say no to children
they have to um we have to explain why
0:29:43.919,0:29:47.279
we’re saying no
if they are you know rocking on the
0:29:47.279,0:29:49.600
chair
this is example i often mentioned you
0:29:49.600,0:29:52.799
want to tell them you know can you
please stop rocking on the chair
0:29:52.799,0:29:56.159
because you can hurt and bump your head
and then
0:29:56.159,0:30:00.080
um they understand what’s the
consequence of their behavior
0:30:00.080,0:30:04.159
if they continue doing it and they fell
down now they start crying you’re gonna
0:30:04.159,0:30:06.960
tell them
you know i already explained you and you
0:30:06.960,0:30:12.080
decided to keep doing it so next time
you know maybe you can listen because
0:30:12.080,0:30:14.720
and learn from things that we are
telling you
0:30:14.720,0:30:18.480
so very very important that we just
don’t tell them no also if they’re
0:30:18.480,0:30:21.919
asking for something you know can i go
and play with my friends or can i do
0:30:21.919,0:30:25.039
when they’re a little bit older
uh can i do this and you just tell them
0:30:25.039,0:30:28.080
no you know like
this is because i said so you know
0:30:28.080,0:30:32.080
somebody said because i said so
and then you remember probably yourself
0:30:32.080,0:30:34.720
sometimes parents and you’re like i’m a
good child
0:30:34.720,0:30:38.880
why they’re telling me no i just want to
go and play or i just want to do this
0:30:38.880,0:30:43.039
and um we have to look into ourselves in
our emotional state
0:30:43.039,0:30:48.320
why we are forbidding this why and maybe
explain to the child no today we’re busy
0:30:48.320,0:30:53.279
i’m not able to drive you or um
i cannot organize my time right we want
0:30:53.279,0:30:57.840
to tell them and they have to understand
this is family so we function together
0:30:57.840,0:31:01.760
not always we can accommodate everything
but telling them just
0:31:01.760,0:31:05.279
know they’re going to be sometimes hurt
and confused especially as they’re
0:31:05.279,0:31:08.960
growing towards teenage
age we tend to tell them no you cannot
0:31:08.960,0:31:13.360
do this no you cannot go out
and they then sometimes i remember
0:31:13.360,0:31:16.880
myself i’m like well i’m a good child we
don’t do anything wrong we just want to
0:31:16.880,0:31:21.440
be out go for a walk and so ever
and uh parents sometimes just you know
0:31:21.440,0:31:26.880
try to control yourself
so i think very very important that uh
0:31:26.880,0:31:30.960
we explain them why
we we said no or you know to do certain
0:31:30.960,0:31:34.640
things
that’s really um interesting i love um
0:31:34.640,0:31:39.440
all of those points especially
i think the example of the ice cream
0:31:39.440,0:31:44.320
like really resonates with me
um and it’s so true right like it it’s
0:31:44.320,0:31:47.120
it’s the case all the time but it’s to
remember that you know you should
0:31:47.120,0:31:50.480
discuss this
um together and actually have like a
0:31:50.480,0:31:53.760
joint approach to it
um especially with little things like
0:31:53.760,0:31:57.440
that you sometimes don’t realize what
impact that will have on your child
0:31:57.440,0:32:02.799
um so that’s all the negative stuff
let’s move on to the things that we can
0:32:02.799,0:32:06.720
do to have a
like the positive um impacts that we can
0:32:06.720,0:32:08.880
have on
obviously if we avoid these things then
0:32:08.880,0:32:10.960
we’ll have a positive impact on the
child
0:32:10.960,0:32:13.840
but these are the things that we should
be avoiding but what are the things that
0:32:13.840,0:32:16.640
we should be
doing more of every day that will also
0:32:16.640,0:32:21.919
have a positive impact on our child
well first of all i like to take parents
0:32:21.919,0:32:25.679
take care of yourself
right you have to take care of yourself
0:32:25.679,0:32:28.320
because if you don’t
you’re not going to be emotionally if
0:32:28.320,0:32:31.279
you don’t have a good sleep if you don’t
nurture yourself
0:32:31.279,0:32:34.320
if you you know if you like to meditate
exercise
0:32:34.320,0:32:38.480
take this time for yourself because as
you feel better you’re going to be able
0:32:38.480,0:32:42.640
to be happier and enjoy more
so this is number one thing definitely
0:32:42.640,0:32:45.200
and i mentioned when we talked about
imagination
0:32:45.200,0:32:50.880
just allow children to have time to play
uh very important also to from early
0:32:50.880,0:32:53.200
years teach children to play on their
own
0:32:53.200,0:32:56.720
right so they should be able to have
some kind of time they should have
0:32:56.720,0:33:00.240
engagement with you
but also they should be able to to play
0:33:00.240,0:33:02.399
on their own
sit in the corner play with their
0:33:02.399,0:33:07.440
favorite toy not always needing an adult
attention and this is what builds them
0:33:07.440,0:33:10.880
in being more independent
and then of course if they want you if
0:33:10.880,0:33:14.159
they want to communicate with you or
they ask you something to join for a
0:33:14.159,0:33:16.720
little bit
uh then you join and you play with them
0:33:16.720,0:33:20.240
so i think this helps them and ask them
those questions like i mentioned
0:33:20.240,0:33:23.600
ask them what are they thinking about
what they’re imagining what would they
0:33:23.600,0:33:26.480
like to do when they grow up you know so
they’re gonna tell you all of these
0:33:26.480,0:33:29.840
stories
and just support their imaginations just
0:33:29.840,0:33:33.919
tell them wow this is
such a nice idea i think it’s it’s uh
0:33:33.919,0:33:37.440
it’s
great very creative and so on
0:33:37.440,0:33:41.919
and then we said we want to avoid
mocking right and opposite of that
0:33:41.919,0:33:45.760
um we want to praise children so we
talked about praising
0:33:45.760,0:33:49.600
i think very important praising the
behavior um
0:33:49.600,0:33:53.679
building the positive self-image of them
of course every child will have moments
0:33:53.679,0:33:56.000
they’re gonna have
phases when they go through and their
0:33:56.000,0:33:59.279
behavior can be you know a little bit
more difficult for us
0:33:59.279,0:34:02.399
they are uh especially children who are
very strong
0:34:02.399,0:34:06.080
tempered and very strong individuals i
think you are going through this right
0:34:06.080,0:34:08.320
so they are really pushing the
boundaries
0:34:08.320,0:34:11.599
they are trying what they can do where
their limits
0:34:11.599,0:34:15.040
you know and they love to be in control
of their life so
0:34:15.040,0:34:18.639
so very funny to see them how they’re so
young
0:34:18.639,0:34:23.359
and so tiny but so powerful actually on
the things they want they know what they
0:34:23.359,0:34:27.119
want to do they know what they
don’t like and we kind of want to keep
0:34:27.119,0:34:31.919
this personality as they growing up
so you know even we talked about this
0:34:31.919,0:34:35.839
when we spoke last time but you know
it’s difficult for you as a parent to
0:34:35.839,0:34:38.960
deal with the child that is stubborn
they know what they want
0:34:38.960,0:34:43.040
they’re not going to you know listen
sometimes but we want to say i want
0:34:43.040,0:34:46.320
them to keep this when they’re growing
up because they’re going to be strong
0:34:46.320,0:34:51.359
decision maker so well that asks i mean
i have a question then so
0:34:51.359,0:34:55.280
how much of what we do has an impact and
how much of it is
0:34:55.280,0:34:59.599
just personality because of course they
have an element of
0:34:59.599,0:35:03.200
their personalities because they’re born
with certain traits
0:35:03.200,0:35:07.520
and so how much can we have an impact on
on those things
0:35:07.520,0:35:10.880
as parents we can definitely have an
impact
0:35:10.880,0:35:15.040
so when we study when i study psychology
and behavior psychology they believe
0:35:15.040,0:35:19.040
like children are just born like empty
board right and if you give them a child
0:35:19.040,0:35:22.800
i will make them
successful or make them a criminal um
0:35:22.800,0:35:27.920
and then we learn if this is not 100
true because we really have
0:35:27.920,0:35:31.200
uh we really have our our own uh temper
our own
0:35:31.200,0:35:35.760
personality character and so on so i
don’t believe children are blank at all
0:35:35.760,0:35:38.160
they do need our help to survive when
they’re
0:35:38.160,0:35:42.480
young but they are very very their own
you know spiritual beings i believe we
0:35:42.480,0:35:46.720
are spiritual beings
so uh but we can definitely make an
0:35:46.720,0:35:49.359
impact right so you can create from a
child
0:35:49.359,0:35:53.599
uh we can see this in children who are
sometimes going in you know uh
0:35:53.599,0:35:58.400
violence growing in the family that are
not emotionally supporting them they can
0:35:58.400,0:36:04.400
become extremely
uh you know unconfident they can
0:36:04.400,0:36:08.160
even you know not be successful because
now they have poor self-image of
0:36:08.160,0:36:10.960
themselves
but on the other hand we can really
0:36:10.960,0:36:15.680
build a child into having a strong image
of themselves and support them to do
0:36:15.680,0:36:20.720
things and keep going
so they achieve uh good results
0:36:20.720,0:36:24.720
that’s interesting so i was just curious
because it just
0:36:24.720,0:36:27.839
you read everywhere that you are their
guide and their mentor
0:36:27.839,0:36:31.920
rather than you know like i think that’s
that’s
0:36:31.920,0:36:35.119
pretty much um everywhere you read now
that
0:36:35.119,0:36:39.040
the idea is that as a parent you should
be their guide and i just wondered how
0:36:39.040,0:36:41.440
much
are you able to guide them over how much
0:36:41.440,0:36:44.640
is actually just like
that they’re born with so that’s really
0:36:44.640,0:36:48.320
interesting to hear
we can guide them you know and one of
0:36:48.320,0:36:52.720
the people also uh people i love to
listen and read his books of
0:36:52.720,0:36:57.280
wayne dyer right he was such a powerful
speaker an outdoor and he spoke about
0:36:57.280,0:36:59.599
parenting a lot he was a parent i think
he had
0:36:59.599,0:37:03.599
six or seven children and i was very
surprised i was listening to his podcast
0:37:03.599,0:37:07.200
right and he was
he was a he’s such a spiritual being and
0:37:07.200,0:37:10.320
such an educated person
and then for example i was very
0:37:10.320,0:37:14.720
surprised to hear uh him saying
of that his daughter was having problem
0:37:14.720,0:37:19.680
with narcotics right and addictions
um and you would say oh he’s you know
0:37:19.680,0:37:24.000
he’s such a person who is
always you know know how to lead know
0:37:24.000,0:37:26.560
how to give this certain freedom and
support
0:37:26.560,0:37:30.640
but then you know children go their own
way and sometimes they have to learn
0:37:30.640,0:37:34.720
they have to make mistakes
very important you know parents tell you
0:37:34.720,0:37:37.680
don’t do this and
we all fall in love and we had broken
0:37:37.680,0:37:42.079
hearts right at least once in our life
so i believe we have to go through this
0:37:42.079,0:37:46.560
we have to experience things on our own
so you have to guide them but you also
0:37:46.560,0:37:49.440
have to understand that
you know they’re gonna make their own
0:37:49.440,0:37:52.560
decision at the end of the day
and they have to understand they’re
0:37:52.560,0:37:54.720
going to be consequences for those
decisions
0:37:54.720,0:37:59.440
you are there to support them uh but uh
in certain things he said something very
0:37:59.440,0:38:02.960
interesting that
he um in those situations when he deal
0:38:02.960,0:38:06.160
with her addictions
he understood that she was actually in a
0:38:06.160,0:38:11.119
way you know over protected and
he needed her to step up and take
0:38:11.119,0:38:15.280
responsibility so he had to cut
everything like financial support
0:38:15.280,0:38:20.240
everything for her so she goes on her
personal journey and she changed herself
0:38:20.240,0:38:24.400
so you know they have to they have to we
have to do it on our own at the end of
0:38:24.400,0:38:27.920
the day and uh
um yeah and it’s interesting to see also
0:38:27.920,0:38:31.440
when we’re siblings right
so how things can influence us in a
0:38:31.440,0:38:34.800
different way
i see my i have a sister and a brother
0:38:34.800,0:38:38.000
and i can see
how much of a different i am with a sis
0:38:38.000,0:38:41.200
my sister
um so i used certain things that
0:38:41.200,0:38:45.040
happened to me like i became even
stronger i became you know
0:38:45.040,0:38:49.839
advocate for them so powerful while for
her maybe the fact that her confidence
0:38:49.839,0:38:53.440
she’s a different different character so
depends or our
0:38:53.440,0:38:58.320
kind of foundation but we can still even
go to the same thing we can become
0:38:58.320,0:39:02.640
different people absolutely there is no
yeah there is no black and white answer
0:39:02.640,0:39:06.079
i always say you know
it’s not like a wisdom and one solution
0:39:06.079,0:39:09.680
fits all no
and you can have same situation with
0:39:09.680,0:39:13.280
your child
uh one week ago and once another time
0:39:13.280,0:39:17.040
today and you’re gonna it’s gonna have
completely obvious results right
0:39:17.040,0:39:20.160
which is what makes parenting so
difficult i think right because there’s
0:39:20.160,0:39:24.000
no black and white there’s no
book there’s no guide that’s the same
0:39:24.000,0:39:26.960
for everybody so
yeah i totally agree with that i wish it
0:39:26.960,0:39:30.320
was a bit simpler
um but yeah there’s so many factors that
0:39:30.320,0:39:33.119
come into play when you’re when you’re
talking about children
0:39:33.119,0:39:36.240
and one thing i did want to ask you
because you touched on
0:39:36.240,0:39:41.280
using like negative words or phrases to
associated with a child instead of their
0:39:41.280,0:39:45.599
behavior
how does it have the opposite impact in
0:39:45.599,0:39:48.640
that if you tell a girl that she’s
beautiful
0:39:48.640,0:39:54.160
or a boy that he’s handsome how does
that impact them growing up because
0:39:54.160,0:39:57.839
one thing that i’ve sort of learned and
read is that you shouldn’t really do
0:39:57.839,0:40:00.320
that
but at the same time if you don’t then
0:40:00.320,0:40:04.000
tell them that you
you think as a parent or as a mother or
0:40:04.000,0:40:06.640
a father that you think they’re
beautiful or handsome then
0:40:06.640,0:40:11.680
doesn’t that mean that they then feel
that they’re not
0:40:11.680,0:40:15.839
um i think it depends on our character i
think what we want to develop
0:40:15.839,0:40:19.599
because they’re gonna come across uh
children’s tell them you’re stupid
0:40:19.599,0:40:22.560
you’re ugly
and if they come through that you wanna
0:40:22.560,0:40:26.000
tell them you know people are going to
tell you a lot of things but
0:40:26.000,0:40:29.040
not everything people say is true so
what
0:40:29.040,0:40:32.319
matters is what you think about yourself
and
0:40:32.319,0:40:35.680
uh you know some children i don’t know i
heard these stories and some children
0:40:35.680,0:40:39.680
say no but i’m not beautiful and so on
so you want to have them rebuild
0:40:39.680,0:40:43.200
and understand that they are right they
are beautiful and and
0:40:43.200,0:40:46.880
beauty it’s such a you know concept that
there is no
0:40:46.880,0:40:49.920
there is no like what is beautiful
everybody consider different things
0:40:49.920,0:40:53.839
beautiful
um so i think it’s very important that
0:40:53.839,0:40:56.240
we learn teach them to think on their
own
0:40:56.240,0:41:00.240
this is the most important thing so
people want to tell you a lot of things
0:41:00.240,0:41:03.440
people are going to tell you sometimes
you know that you’re stupid that you’re
0:41:03.440,0:41:07.200
rude that you are ugly
and children can be sometimes very mean
0:41:07.200,0:41:11.440
right so they can fight
and say those things and uh for our
0:41:11.440,0:41:15.440
child we want to tell them you know uh
other people in life are gonna tell you
0:41:15.440,0:41:18.400
a lot of things but they don’t have to
mean they’re true
0:41:18.400,0:41:22.079
only thing that’s true is what you think
about yourself so you teach them to and
0:41:22.079,0:41:25.040
you
ask them do you think you’re stupid and
0:41:25.040,0:41:27.839
if they say
yes then you’re going to say well no
0:41:27.839,0:41:31.760
look you saw this
solution you saw this game you were
0:41:31.760,0:41:36.160
thinking you’re speaking
so you wanna show them some facts that
0:41:36.160,0:41:38.720
are not true
right it’s not true that the child is
0:41:38.720,0:41:42.640
stupid or ugly
um and so on because you don’t want them
0:41:42.640,0:41:46.720
to be
um focused on their appearance which is
0:41:46.720,0:41:50.720
why i think that there’s the advice of
not sort of always telling them that
0:41:50.720,0:41:54.640
they’re beautiful or handsome and not
constantly sort of telling them on that
0:41:54.640,0:41:58.800
but at the same time you don’t want them
to have low self-esteem either
0:41:58.800,0:42:02.800
so i mean i don’t see anything wrong if
we tell them we should also tell them
0:42:02.800,0:42:06.079
you know that we love them
but i think we should have balance on
0:42:06.079,0:42:10.319
reflecting on their behavior
or how they are as person personality
0:42:10.319,0:42:13.440
you know like when they’re funny you can
tell them they’re funny
0:42:13.440,0:42:16.720
uh and things like that it’s not always
a focus uh on
0:42:16.720,0:42:21.520
being beautiful and being um handsome
but i think we should balance with other
0:42:21.520,0:42:24.319
characteristics as well right so they
understand that
0:42:24.319,0:42:27.520
they have a lot of qualities in them
which makes us a pers
0:42:27.520,0:42:31.760
a person person right so it’s more about
our character at the end of the day
0:42:31.760,0:42:35.200
and how we treat others so something
that’s
0:42:35.200,0:42:38.560
gonna leave an impact on people around
us
0:42:38.560,0:42:43.920
that’s really um insightful um i wanted
to sort of bring everything together
0:42:43.920,0:42:47.520
there and say
i know you’ve probably got a list of
0:42:47.520,0:42:50.800
other things that you want to share
but i don’t want to sort of take up too
0:42:50.800,0:42:54.720
much of your time and also
i don’t want this to go on for too long
0:42:54.720,0:42:58.240
so we’ll definitely
maybe get back together and talk about
0:42:58.240,0:43:01.040
confidence at some point and raising
sort of more confident
0:43:01.040,0:43:04.400
or independent confident children and
but is there anything so
0:43:04.400,0:43:08.160
vital that you want to add that you
really wanted to say and that i’ve not
0:43:08.160,0:43:11.599
managed to let you sort of talk about
yet
0:43:11.599,0:43:16.319
well there’s so many things i mean uh
but when it comes to this topic at the
0:43:16.319,0:43:21.119
end of the day i would just say
to parents first of all we have to build
0:43:21.119,0:43:24.079
our self-image
and you know very often we beat
0:43:24.079,0:43:27.440
ourselves and we are so hard on
ourselves if you make a mistake
0:43:27.440,0:43:30.640
and you’re gonna have a day when you
might be maybe gonna snap you’re gonna
0:43:30.640,0:43:34.400
lose your patience you may
shout uh you might say something and
0:43:34.400,0:43:37.760
then you’re gonna say oh
i shouldn’t say this and then parents
0:43:37.760,0:43:41.119
are really obsessed will this leave a
big consequence
0:43:41.119,0:43:44.640
and you know you just want to become
aware of yourself
0:43:44.640,0:43:48.480
and work on yourself but i would just
say don’t be too hard on yourself you’re
0:43:48.480,0:43:52.480
doing amazing job and
everybody are doing this you know nobody
0:43:52.480,0:43:57.280
is perfect we all have
good days and bad days um so just
0:43:57.280,0:44:02.160
just be easy love yourself first right
be compassionate with yourself say
0:44:02.160,0:44:05.680
you know i was really tired and just let
it let go of it
0:44:05.680,0:44:10.640
just don’t look in the past too much
just look forward this is nothing
0:44:10.640,0:44:14.640
yeah i love that be compassionate and
like you know compassionate towards
0:44:14.640,0:44:19.280
yourself and i think um
that’s really important because and the
0:44:19.280,0:44:20.880
other thing that i would just like to
add
0:44:20.880,0:44:24.079
is that it’s okay to tell your child
that you made a mistake right
0:44:24.079,0:44:27.680
like i think sometimes we forget that
you know just because we’re a parent
0:44:27.680,0:44:30.800
doesn’t mean
that you can’t admit to your child that
0:44:30.800,0:44:35.200
actually you lost your cool
actually yeah it’s very important that
0:44:35.200,0:44:39.040
we admit because then we are all
modeling them right if you shout and you
0:44:39.040,0:44:43.200
say look i make a mistake
i wasn’t behaving appropriately i’m
0:44:43.200,0:44:46.640
really sorry for my behavior again
you’re emphasizing on your behavior i
0:44:46.640,0:44:49.440
was very tired
and that wasn’t right i’m gonna behave
0:44:49.440,0:44:52.880
better next time so you admit your
mistake and now they’re gonna learn to
0:44:52.880,0:44:55.839
admit their mistake and don’t apologize
as well
0:44:55.839,0:44:59.520
i think that’s an amazing place to end
i’d love for you to tell us
0:44:59.520,0:45:03.040
where is the best place to find you um
how do
0:45:03.040,0:45:09.319
people and our listeners get in touch
with you so i have my website it’s
0:45:09.319,0:45:12.640
www.nevenabajalis.com
and over there they have my email they
0:45:12.640,0:45:15.839
have also my podcast i have my own
podcast as well
0:45:15.839,0:45:20.160
they have i have a free webinars that
i’m launching so one is already
0:45:20.160,0:45:25.440
ready over there around about parenting
i also have some of my um starting
0:45:25.440,0:45:28.720
online courses they’re very good jump
start for parents
0:45:28.720,0:45:32.400
to give them some tools how to deal with
different emotions and understand
0:45:32.400,0:45:36.880
themselves better and their
partner and child and then yes i do
0:45:36.880,0:45:40.720
coaching so they can also book and apply
for coaching over there
0:45:40.720,0:45:44.800
i have a free book three steps for
successful parenting they can download
0:45:44.800,0:45:47.920
my
uh free ebook they’re more than welcome
0:45:47.920,0:45:49.920
and
it’s just going to ask you to subscribe
0:45:49.920,0:45:51.680
and they’re going to receive some
newsletter
0:45:51.680,0:45:54.960
and news and invitations to free
webinars and events
0:45:54.960,0:45:58.079
that i’m going to do in the future so
yes
0:45:58.079,0:46:01.520
that’s amazing thank you so much i’ll
link all of that into the show notes
0:46:01.520,0:46:05.520
so the listeners um will be able to find
you easily i’d like to thank you once
0:46:05.520,0:46:09.280
again
yes i’m on instagram facebook linkedin
0:46:09.280,0:46:12.800
youtube as well
it’s just my name so they can find me
0:46:12.800,0:46:15.920
there as well i’ll link your website and
your social channels
0:46:15.920,0:46:21.760
um in the show notes thank you again and
it’s so lovely speaking with you thank
0:46:21.760,0:46:25.839
you it was my pleasure thank you
Find more details on Nevena’s website.
Instagram: @nevenabazalac
Find more blog posts here