Ep 14. Real Moms Series: Mom guilt & work life balance with Annam Salim, Dentist.
Mom guilt and work life balance
I discuss all things confidence and self love with Aliya. It is so common for women to lose some of their confidence after they become moms; Aliya talks to me about how we can build this back up. We discuss comparison and what impact that has on us and our confidence along with carving out time for yourself.
Season 1 Ep 14
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hi mama you’re listening to the mama
00:07
podcast it’s samaya here the co-founder
00:10
of mama emmy app
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mama me is the first app to exclusively
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connect mothers across the middle east
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connects with like-minded mamas and
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creates lifelong friendships
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at mama we are all about connecting
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mamas to empower women
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so let’s join together and make this
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mission a reality
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this week’s conversation is more of one
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of those where you
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put the kettle on and sit down relax
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and just have a chat i’m joined by my
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friend annan
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who actually came on to speak to me on
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the first ever podcast episode
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and we’re talking all about normal life
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and mom guilt
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hey and um thank you again for joining
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me on the mama podcast i’m so happy to
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have you back with me it was so amazing
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to do the first episode with you
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and i love these conversations that we
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have and our little chats because
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i mean you are my friend but it’s just
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like talking to a friend
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i’m really happy to be back maya and i
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have been listening to
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some of the other podcasts that you have
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done and they are fantastic
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really really informative and i’m happy
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to be a part of it
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oh that’s so sweet so i love that you
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mentioned that they are informative and
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i
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like thank you to all the guests that
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have come on up to now
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and it’s really amazing to be able to
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bring this kind of information across
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um but these ones where we just sort of
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chat about like normal day-to-day life
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is really cool because i think people
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really get an insight into
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like what life is actually like and
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really what i actually get up to because
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it’s really hard to share it on
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sometimes on social media because
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otherwise you’ll just i’ll just be
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posting pictures of me sat on my laptop
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and you can see me now and i’m so glad
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this is a podcast but i’ve got like my
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daughter’s yellow headband in my hair
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no makeup and like an oversized baggy
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t-shirt so
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um yeah and you still look great
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okay that’s so sweet so this is my first
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cup of tea of the day by the way i know
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so anyway um yeah it’s been a busy
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morning my
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um you can’t see behind my laptop but
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the
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whole play area where she plays is just
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covered in toys so
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yeah that’s what real life is about so
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yeah we were having this conversation
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earlier when we smile i think
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when you have young children they have
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so many toys
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and they suddenly just start to
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reproduce toys and
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suddenly your living room’s filled and
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you look one day and you think
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wow what do i do with all these things
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so today i’ve actually been cleaning out
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the toys
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and i’m going to put some away i’m going
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to give some to charity
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and hopefully try and mix it up with
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what they play with every day
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um but it’s just i don’t know how they
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actually accumulate so many in one space
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it’s mind-boggling
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i mean i’m still surprised as to how
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that happens as well
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i mean it’s i mean you’ve gone back to
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work
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in terms of going back to an actual sort
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of job
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where you’re dropping your son off in
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the morning
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and your daughter off to nursery and
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then you’re heading into work um yeah
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how have you been getting on over the
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last few months it’s been such a change
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last few weeks so it hasn’t even been
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that long well um
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through the the summer holidays um i
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with my with my son he wasn’t in school
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in the summer
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however i did put him into a holiday
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club just
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on the the couple of days that i go to
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work and
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my daughter she was in nursery for those
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two days as well
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so sending them to these establishments
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during all this time of of covert and
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uncertainty
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it has been pretty scary actually i
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think i have
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been second guessing myself whether it
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was the right thing to do
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whether they’re safe or happy but then
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at the same time i was
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very conflicted thinking i need to go to
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work i have to go and
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earn money and you know show my face at
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my job and
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admittedly i actually enjoy dentistry i
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like going to work i enjoy treating
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patients but
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again that’s been quite scary as well
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thinking am i more
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putting my family at risk of contracting
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clovid
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there’s been a lot of different thoughts
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sort of swimming around in my head
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and but all in all it seems to have gone
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well
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and my son settled into holiday club
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quite nicely he he found a few friends
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there that he already knew from school
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which was great
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and my daughter she actually likes her
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nursery
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she has been having a few tantrums here
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and there which have been a bit of a
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struggle in the morning
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and in the car park trying to get her
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into the nursery and but we’ve we seem
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to have got past them thankfully
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so it’s not been too bad in that sense
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it’s been
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it’s been a little bit hard juggling
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timings getting out in the morning
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getting back into routine but i actually
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think it’s benefited the children i
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think they are happier
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they are more sort of interactive
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they’re learning
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i think it’s done everybody a great deal
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of good and
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finally i think that they’re nice and
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tired when they come home
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and then they go to bed much easier
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oh my god the joys of them actually
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going to bed on time and like without
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resistance
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is amazing um yeah i think it’s
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it’s great isn’t it when they can go
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back into a routine and see their
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friends i think that’s the biggest thing
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that i’ve been hearing from the people
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that have sent their kids back to sort
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of either a nursery
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and the nurseries are opening the uk
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they’re not open yet in the uae but
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um school or wherever that sort of
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educational establishment might be
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and it’s like yeah that’s the thing that
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i’ve been hearing that children are
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really excited about seeing their
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friends and like having their social
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um network back i guess for us because
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we take it for granted in a sense
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because unless you have a slightly older
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child
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they’re not really communicating with
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their friends whilst they’re having to
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stay at home
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whereas we’re still connected with our
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sort of network of people
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that we classify as our friends because
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we have our phones
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and i’m not saying give your child a
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phone of course not but what i’m saying
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is
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obviously like that that that’s the only
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place that they actually
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get to see their friends and talk and
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yeah so it’s really interesting isn’t it
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it is hard though i think to to know if
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you’re doing the right thing
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um i have a few friends who chose to
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keep their children
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out of school and they’re taking their
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their toddlers out of nursery
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i have been of the other view i’ve sent
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them to nursery and sent them to school
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so now my son is back at school
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and it’s it’s hard to know if i’m doing
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the right thing
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if you do feel guilty you think to
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yourself
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if they if they were to perhaps you know
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become poorly or they were sent home and
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they were upset
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is it my fault that i’ve sent them but
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then education is so important
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i think i think there’s no actual right
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or wrong answer
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i think as long as it works for you and
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your family then
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it’s that is the best thing to do of
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course i discuss with my husband you
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know we have similar thoughts on
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on how we should be doing things but
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it’s just
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um it’s nice to have validation from
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other mums sometimes that they feel the
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same way and they have the same worries
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and fears
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yeah i think mom guilt is like horrible
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for all of us isn’t it so right now it’s
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um guilt because you you’re unsure as to
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whether
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you should be sending them to school or
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not um sometimes it’s
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should i be sending them because i need
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to go to work or
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should i leave my child with somebody to
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be looked after by somebody because i
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want to go and get my hair done
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you know like mom guilt literally
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follows you around your whole
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as soon as you become a mom mom guilt is
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something i think every single mother
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deals with and or has to deal with to a
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certain degree
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um some of us obviously deal with it in
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some ways and others in other ways
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um do you have like a strategy do you
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kind of
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go through in your head that you know
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this is how i’m feeling
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and that this is what i should be doing
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to make myself feel better so for
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example
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for me um leaving her for an hour
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to be to do something that i want to do
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for example go to the gym
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or maybe go and get my head on or
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whatever it might be
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before i used to feel really guilty
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about that when she was a bit younger i
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used to think oh my god i can’t believe
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i’m leaving her what if like you know
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the person that’s looking after her
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she cries so much and they don’t know
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how to console her or whatever you know
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these thoughts go through your head but
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i’ve got to it’s a stage where i’ve
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i’ve become really aware that this is a
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guilt the feeling of guilt that i’m
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aware that actually that
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moment i’m having of oh my god should i
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be leaving her is a moment of mom guilt
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and actually it’s okay to feel that way
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but
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this hour or to myself will mean
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actually i’m
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way more present when i come back
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absolutely
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with my with both of them when i did
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leave them sometimes so for example
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i did sometimes leave them with their
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grandmother so my mom
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and i would perhaps go out for dinner
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with my husband
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and we’ve also been times when i’ve just
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literally just gone out with some
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friends or just gone for a coffee
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and i’ve left my children with my mom or
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my husband and initially it did
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feel very strange and i used to think am
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i a bad mom am i
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am i leaving my children am i neglecting
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them and then i think
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no actually i need some time to myself
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and i did find that when i would
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actually return
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so i wouldn’t go for long you know maybe
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an hour two hours when i would return
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like the kids were fine they were happy
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they’d spent time with
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other people whether it’s grandparents
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aunties uncles
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and i felt a lot less stressed
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and for me as a mother being less
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stressed makes me a much better mother
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so you know less less getting angry
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less feeling maybe a little bit of
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resentment that i can’t do
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everything that my other friends are
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doing that that don’t have children
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i think it’s all about balance and it’s
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okay to feel
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guilty but i think we should try to
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try and take that feeling away a little
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bit i think everybody deserves
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a bit of a time out yeah i think yeah
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you’re right i think um
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that is funny you mentioned resentment
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because once you start dedicating
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all of your time to that to your child
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and you know for some people that’s what
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they want to do and that’s fine but i
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think
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it is really important and it doesn’t
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mean you have to have an hour every day
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it could be that you need 10 minutes a
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day do you know everyone’s
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amount of time that they need to
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themselves is different
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and it’s whatever that is for you and
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just being okay with the fact that
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actually you do need to take some time
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out to yourself
10:41
and you know we we love our children
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unconditionally
10:44
and wanting to have a break sometimes
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doesn’t mean that you love them
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any less and i think every mother can
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understand that
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and it’s it’s hard as well i think
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sometimes social media does have
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a role to play you see people doing
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things
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outdoors so perhaps they’re they’re
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lunching they’re brunching they’re
11:04
having fun with friends they’re going on
11:07
like out on nights out
11:08
lots of different things and you do
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think sometimes that oh i would like to
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do that so i think social media
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sometimes it can paint a picture which
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is
11:17
a little bit through rose colored
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glasses and you can feel that
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that envy but i think as long as you you
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balance your life and you keep your
11:24
children happy you do everything that
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you can for them of course you’re
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allowed to take a break
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yeah it’s social media is just
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yeah it’s a topic in itself isn’t it i
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think it’s so easy to look at social
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media and compare yourself to other
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people
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or compare your life to other peoples
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and even to other mums
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you know they’re parenting and you think
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wow like they’re doing all these
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amazing games now they’ve made this
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they’ve they’re dressing their children
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in these things and you think
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oh do i need to do that even mom guilt
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comes
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spills over onto those topics too yeah
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and so i actually listened to something
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really interesting a few days ago
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and i’m actually um having a podcast
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episode
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with this wonderful um coach she’s
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called alia
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so i’m not quite sure when this podcast
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will release but maybe before or after
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i’ve actually released the podcast
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podcast episode with her
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but she said something that i watched of
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hers which was really quite interesting
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where she said that sometimes we start
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to compare ourselves to others
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um on social media but you’ve got to
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remember that you’re comparing your
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whole life to someone’s highlight reel
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if when you think of it that way it’s so
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true because you see
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all the darkness and all the agitations
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and the frustrations that you have to
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deal with in your life
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and what you’re doing is taking all of
12:47
that and comparing it to someone’s
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highlight reel which isn’t even a fair
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comparison
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it’s not real life really to do that is
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it it’s not a fair
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a fair balance and that’s why i think
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when you
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actually follow people especially
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mothers women who are empowering
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and they send messages of hope and
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solidarity with other mothers
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i think they are the ones that actually
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make you feel better
13:10
so some of your posts admire you know
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they’re amazing they
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they make you actually they make me
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giggle because some of the things that
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you talk about and post about like
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tantrums
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about your little girl or just general
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sayings to do with children the
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difficulties of parenthood they you know
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we can all relate to them
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so they’re the ones that actually make
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you feel better and they give you less
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mom guilt
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yeah i think i think for me that’s
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really important when i’m posting
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something that it has to be something
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that really does
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uplift somebody so it should be
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empowering so whatever is posted
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is about actually and we have to
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remember that we can’t be like
13:48
a superwoman and and conquer absolutely
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everything
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we have to just you know pick what’s
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best for our family and
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and do them things yeah and i think so
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i’ve made a conscious effort to
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step back from away from my laptop a
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little bit on friday so i don’t
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check my emails as much there’s a time
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and place for that on friday and the
14:10
rest of the day
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is a little bit more relaxed in the
14:13
sense that i’m not as focused on
14:16
um my laptop and so that day is then
14:19
dedicated to family
14:20
and that’s something that i my husband
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and i we both consciously made that
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decision and that
14:25
that’s what friday has now become for us
14:28
and so
14:29
yeah that was really interesting for me
14:31
to do because i think it’s
14:33
it’s important to remember that some
14:35
days work will take unfortunately some
14:37
days work has to take priority and then
14:39
other days
14:39
your child takes priority and actually
14:41
it may not be that days
14:43
it may be that a certain time in the day
14:46
the priority goes to one thing such as
14:47
work or
14:48
food or cooking or laundry or whatever
14:51
it might be and then the other time of
14:52
the day
14:53
is then dedicated to your child but yeah
14:56
the thing that i’m really working on is
14:57
when i am then spending time with her
14:59
that i’m actually fully present rather
15:01
than
15:01
like you know still checking my phone or
15:03
still checking my laptop or whatever
15:05
yeah i think that’s really important to
15:07
be present
15:09
and if you can set aside a certain time
15:12
to do that then you’re more likely to
15:13
stick to that as opposed to
15:15
trying to be present and do your work at
15:18
the same time and it’s
15:19
you know you’re not really doing justice
15:21
to either of those things
15:23
and but i think you know it is okay as
15:25
well to
15:26
to to focus on work when you can because
15:28
ultimately
15:29
i feel like you know we do these things
15:31
for our children this is what
15:33
we’re building a life for them whether
15:35
it’s from the money we earn
15:37
to actually making something of
15:38
ourselves so they can look at us one day
15:40
and say oh my
15:41
my mommy has done this and my mommy has
15:43
done that so there’s
15:44
there’s lots of different factors to it
15:46
but i would say that
15:48
even having mom guilt is actually a
15:50
positive because it shows that we care
15:53
because if you didn’t care then you
15:55
wouldn’t feel guilty about
15:57
maybe not being there all the time or
16:00
not always doing the right thing
16:02
so i think if you’re always sort of
16:05
checking yourself
16:06
and feeling that little bit of guilt i
16:08
would actually see it as a success
16:11
you’re so right because i’ve never
16:12
thought of it that way and you know i
16:13
think
16:14
there’s a majority of mums are good mums
16:17
they just don’t always see it in
16:18
themselves that they are
16:20
and sometimes not everybody hears it
16:22
from other people as well so sometimes
16:24
some husbands may not be
16:26
as perhaps appreciative or that vocal
16:29
about
16:30
how they feel you know certain friends
16:32
or even grandmas may say
16:34
certain comments that may put you down
16:36
but ultimately no one
16:38
nobody knows your own journey with your
16:40
child and your relationship with them
16:42
what you do for them and what you don’t
16:44
do the mental load that you take
16:47
you know what are looking after their
16:48
mental loaders are completely another
16:50
topic i think we need to
16:52
perhaps discuss at another time but
16:54
nobody else knows
16:55
the sort of things that you go through
16:57
in your mind so no one really can tell
16:59
you
17:00
that you’re that you are doing the right
17:02
thing or not doing the right thing
17:03
advice
17:04
is great but it’s your own journey with
17:06
your own children
17:07
yeah i love that and um it’s such a
17:09
lovely thought and it’s
17:10
i think it’s a great place to end have
17:12
you got any last
17:14
um comments or last thoughts actually
17:16
let me just um bring you back
17:18
a step and just obviously my daughter’s
17:21
now
17:22
two in a bit and so she’s a toddler and
17:24
you’ve got a toddler and
17:26
preschooler so they’re a little bit
17:28
older if we go
17:30
back to when we actually gave birth if
17:32
you had to give advice to somebody
17:34
who’s probably in the first few months
17:37
of just having had a child or is due to
17:39
give birth soon
17:41
do you have any sort of nugget of wisdom
17:44
or advice for the mom guilt that they
17:46
might feel
17:48
i would just say that look parenting
17:51
is difficult okay so it’s amazing too
17:54
it’s amazing too it is yeah but i want
17:57
people to know that
17:58
it is okay to feel to find it difficult
18:00
because
18:02
like i said you know people will paint a
18:03
picture that it’s all rosy and
18:05
when you the minute you start to find
18:07
something a bit difficult for you
18:08
whether it’s
18:09
i don’t know breastfeeding or or a
18:11
sleepless night exhaustion
18:13
then you start to feel like you failed
18:15
but if you can acknowledge that it’s
18:17
okay to find something difficult then
18:20
you know that it’s normal and that it’s
18:22
something that everybody goes through
18:24
and everybody feels
18:25
but ultimately you’re doing the right
18:27
thing yeah
18:28
that’s what i would say yeah i agree
18:30
with that and the last thing for for me
18:33
to add
18:33
is that do take that tiny bit of time
18:36
for yourself whether it is and for me in
18:39
those early few months
18:41
was just having a shower so i
18:43
prioritized having
18:45
a nice warm shower when she went to
18:47
sleep for her first snap of the day
18:48
which was
18:49
when they’re quite young they sleep
18:50
quite early in the morning i think it
18:51
was around 9 00 a.m
18:53
and so she as soon as she would go down
18:55
for her nap i would go
18:56
it doesn’t matter if the house was a tip
18:58
if the food
18:59
needed to be done i wouldn’t like i
19:01
would prioritize going into the shower
19:03
and having that sort of 15 20 minutes to
19:05
myself
19:06
like getting dressed for the day and
19:08
that made a huge difference to how i
19:11
felt for the rest of the day so just
19:12
spending that 15-20 minutes
19:14
to myself having like you know that time
19:16
to relax
19:17
and then putting some makeup on and
19:19
actually changing my outfit
19:21
made me feel amazing that’s so true
19:23
actually now you’ve just taken me back
19:25
to that
19:25
thought i mean there was days there will
19:27
be days that you don’t even have time
19:29
perhaps in the beginning to to do those
19:31
things but when you can make time to do
19:34
them
19:34
and get ready properly you feel good and
19:37
you know when you when you look good you
19:38
feel good
19:39
and then you sort of that radiates out
19:41
to everything else that you do
19:42
so i think yeah that’s actually really
19:44
really good advice for me it was
19:46
um it was actually a piece of advice
19:47
that someone else um
19:49
gave to me and it was something that
19:51
stuck and i and i made an
19:52
effort to do it and it happened from day
19:54
one and i think because someone had
19:56
given me that advice from before
19:57
it was something i was looking out for
19:59
and so yeah i think
20:00
that made a huge difference for my
20:02
mental like state
20:04
and my physical state as well because i
20:05
felt better because i looked better
20:07
but honestly for my mental like and i
20:09
think part of that wasn’t just like
20:11
the way you look or the like you know
20:13
having a shower but
20:15
that time that you get that step away
20:17
from actually looking after a child for
20:18
10-15 minutes
20:19
i think also doing that getting ready it
20:22
also makes you feel like you’re
20:24
you are yourself again yeah you’re not
20:26
just mom
20:27
you are samaya yeah and this is who you
20:30
are so you’re not just classified as
20:33
one type of person you are your own
20:35
individual self again so i think it
20:36
gives you a little bit of that back
20:38
yeah yeah i 100 agree so that was my
20:41
nugget of wisdom
20:42
and i just wanted to share that because
20:44
i think it made a huge difference to my
20:46
early
20:47
motherhood journey brilliant
21:06
you
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