Ep 10. Experience transitions in life with the feeling of excitement and calm. With Rachael Lynn, Bestselling Author & Journal Queen

Experience transitions in life with excitement and calm.

In this episode I talk to Darine about the ideal morning routine, how to have a great day ahead and vibrate high. This can be done even if you have kids! Darine is a mother of 2, life coach, motivational speaker and author.

Season 1 Ep 10

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00:00

hi mama you’re listening to the mama

00:02

podcast my name is Sumayya

00:04

and i’m the co-founder of mama ME app

00:07

i’ll be your host

00:08

today mama me is a platform dedicated to

00:11

connecting moms

00:12

and moms to b where you can meet

00:14

like-minded mamas

00:15

and create lifelong friendships

00:17

connecting mamas is

00:19

all about empowering women and we

00:21

continue this mission

00:22

with this podcast really excited to

00:25

bring you this week’s episode it was

00:27

my conversation with rachel lin who is a

00:30

best-selling author and a journaling

00:33

queen

00:34

we talk all about transitions and moving

00:36

overseas

00:37

and how we can navigate this transition

00:40

to make us feel comfortable and at peace

00:43

within

00:44

if there’s something you love in this

00:45

episode make sure to share it

00:47

on your social media pages and tag us

00:50

at my mama app and rachel

00:54

with rachel lin we love to hear from you

00:58

so rachel thank you so much for joining

01:00

me today and welcome to the mama podcast

01:03

thank you for having me i’m so excited

01:06

so

01:07

you have done so much and you’ve helped

01:10

me so much in my transition to

01:12

moving from the uk to dubai so firstly

01:14

i’d like to thank you for that

01:16

um and secondly i know some of our

01:18

listeners probably

01:19

don’t follow you on social media or may

01:21

not have read your book

01:23

so i’d love for you to share a little

01:26

bit of your background and

01:27

sort of what got you to where you are

01:30

now

01:31

okay well i’ll start with myself

01:35

so i am an american canadian dual

01:38

citizen

01:38

my dad is canadian my mom is american so

01:41

i grew up in north america

01:42

and spent my time between both countries

01:45

and

01:46

i never thought about the difference in

01:49

culture or like because they were so

01:51

close and so similar

01:52

i didn’t think of going to canada as

01:54

traveling it was just where my dad lived

01:56

right

01:56

so i was traveling traveling technically

01:59

but not in my mind

02:00

and then i started to have a travel bug

02:03

and all of that and so it started to be

02:05

kind of in my

02:06

mind like one day i want to live

02:08

somewhere else and i moved a lot like we

02:10

moved homes a lot

02:12

um within i grew up in a city called

02:14

buffalo new york which is near niagara

02:16

falls if anybody

02:17

knows that’s listening we moved homes a

02:20

lot and then

02:20

after university i moved to new york

02:22

city moved to toronto

02:24

and then when i got

02:27

back together i’ll say with my husband

02:30

um

02:31

he lived in dubai so there was a

02:35

decision that i had to make about

02:38

how quickly we would get married and

02:41

that i would move over essentially and

02:43

my husband and i

02:44

so for that background we met in

02:46

university so we met

02:49

when did i graduate i graduated in 2011.

02:52

and he graduated 2010. so we met

02:55

roughly 10 years before we got back

02:58

together we were in university dated

03:00

briefly and i was like

03:01

this is not for me sorry let’s stay

03:03

friends like that’s exactly i’ll be

03:05

honest

03:06

he’ll tell you his own version but

03:07

that’s what happened and um

03:10

i went through all this personal

03:11

development work this this getting to

03:14

know myself

03:15

and had this like aha moment sitting in

03:17

toronto journaling actually

03:19

i was like wait the person that i’ve

03:21

been waiting to find i already know

03:24

and i’ve known this man for almost a

03:25

decade and like okay now it’s time

03:28

and from i waited about a month on that

03:30

information

03:31

because i was like really am i gonna do

03:32

this because i knew

03:34

if i told him and he was willing and

03:37

ready that it would go quite quickly

03:38

like we had just had so much history i’m

03:40

like okay i have to be sure because if

03:42

he’s

03:43

i know he’s sure i think i hope um

03:46

so i sent him a long whatsapp message so

03:50

like i don’t even know like

03:51

i i saved it and it was like two pages

03:53

of an email

03:54

basically like that’s how long like i

03:56

was too afraid to call so

03:58

the writer and me is like let’s send

04:00

this really nice whatsapp

04:02

but anyway he was he turned out to be

04:04

ready and so that was in march of 2018

04:08

and by september 2018 we were married

04:11

and i

04:11

moved to dubai where he was so

04:14

that was a quick year a fast year

04:18

and the transition of getting married

04:22

and moving within a three-week period

04:26

is exactly essentially what brought me

04:28

to now where we are

04:30

of it was like a state of shock and a

04:33

state of bliss

04:34

and then like oh my god what just

04:36

happened my whole life is different

04:38

and so there was a transition of being

04:40

single and transition

04:42

of moving that led to me writing my book

04:44

at home anywhere

04:45

which is was essentially me walking

04:48

myself through a process

04:49

of feeling settled in myself

04:53

and i have a background in i worked for

04:55

life coaches

04:56

personal development authors in north

04:58

america and so

04:59

i one day was again journaling and i was

05:02

like where is the book for

05:03

expat or this kind of transition or you

05:06

know

05:07

where’s the book like giving the book

05:08

with the answers

05:10

and i i found a book for transitioning

05:12

into marriage

05:14

so that book is called conscious

05:17

called the conscious bride by cheryl

05:19

paul so there was a book about

05:21

transitioning to marriage i’m like where

05:22

is this one the moving one

05:24

and of course there are now that i’ve

05:26

written one i know many expat authors

05:29

but when i did the search on amazon all

05:31

i could find

05:32

most of what i could find was books

05:34

written by women who already had two or

05:36

three kids

05:37

they were white western women who moved

05:39

to asia and had like a huge culture

05:42

shock like these were the books i could

05:44

find i’m like

05:44

that’s not really my experience because

05:47

i don’t have kids yet

05:48

i’m newly married i also am not working

05:50

a corporate job i wanted to work for

05:52

myself

05:53

and the culture shock in dubai is there

05:56

is one but it’s not

05:58

a foreign language like you don’t have

06:00

to not you can know english and you

06:01

never you don’t have to learn arabic if

06:02

you don’t want to

06:04

so that kind of culture shock wasn’t so

06:06

much there so it’s like okay

06:07

i guess i have to write the book

06:09

basically

06:10

and that’s that’s how it started is is

06:13

me saying okay

06:14

and as most businesses do and maybe even

06:16

for you your app how it started is like

06:19

there’s a need and i want this thing and

06:21

it’s not here okay i’m gonna

06:22

i’m gonna create it then so that’s

06:25

mostly up to

06:26

up to today yeah i think that’s um like

06:29

you say most people

06:30

try and solve the problem for themselves

06:32

and then help others

06:34

in doing so um it’s really

06:37

interesting that you had such a big

06:39

transition in such a short period of

06:41

time

06:42

and i think you do explain it really

06:44

well in your book and you go through it

06:45

in more detail

06:47

but what my question was you initially

06:50

moved after university away from

06:52

what you classed as home or i know you

06:55

talk in your book about where you didn’t

06:56

really feel like home but

06:57

if we classed that as home where you

06:59

were sort of raised born and raised yeah

07:02

yeah if i mean i traveled alone in my

07:05

early 20s

07:06

and i remember that feeling of

07:09

excitement

07:10

that you know you’re going on an

07:11

adventure but there’s so very serious

07:14

glimpses of fear that you feel when

07:16

you’re when you’re doing something

07:17

that’s really out of your comfort zone

07:19

and i was wondering did you feel that

07:23

and did you

07:23

sort of how did you overcome that did

07:25

you feel that fear or was it just the

07:27

mainly the excitement that sort of drove

07:29

you to want to explore

07:32

when i moved to new york you’re asking

07:33

right and at that time yeah the original

07:35

i was totally excited i didn’t think

07:36

about my family at all

07:38

like i did but i didn’t i’m like they’ll

07:40

get over it it’s fine

07:42

um new york city i don’t know if it’s an

07:44

american thing or

07:46

i don’t know i always had the vision of

07:48

moving to new york working from

07:50

an ad agency or a magazine and like

07:52

working my way up being this like women

07:55

women executive female executive on the

07:57

streets of new york i think it was you

07:59

know we grew up around sex in the city

08:01

and all that right so

08:02

i was very much in that mode and i also

08:05

there was

08:06

an an ex-boyfriend involved too so he

08:09

was moving and i was

08:10

like okay like this is what i wanted to

08:12

do anyway now i

08:14

i felt like i had more of an emotional

08:16

um

08:17

draw or pull to go do it so it was very

08:19

much excitement

08:21

it all very much worked out

08:24

in flow because i was already doing

08:27

kind of personal development work with

08:29

myself at that time and i literally i

08:31

planned it i wrote out what i wanted to

08:33

be i had one

08:35

one call for a job interview i got the

08:37

job i did one interview for an apartment

08:39

they asked

08:40

me to move in like it was not a diff it

08:42

was honestly not difficult for me

08:44

and i was like okay this must be meant

08:46

to be because it was flowing so it was

08:48

all

08:49

excitement for me until i got there and

08:52

the first night when my i remember my

08:53

dad dropped me off and was like

08:55

oh this is happening but yeah

08:58

and so the experience in new york

09:00

probably set you up for

09:02

what followed afterwards i’m assuming

09:04

yeah it gave me the confidence to know i

09:07

could do

09:08

it like i feel like and they say if you

09:10

move to new york city

09:11

most people don’t make it after for two

09:14

years like two years

09:15

most people leave after two years um if

09:18

you’re gonna stay longer than two years

09:19

then you’re a new yorker like you’re

09:20

probably never leave that’s the

09:22

thing people say and i left just under

09:24

two years

09:25

so it definitely set me up to

09:29

know like if you can get by you can find

09:31

a way to pay rent and eat in new york

09:33

on the salary that you’re making you can

09:35

you can go on some adventures

09:37

right and so moving to toronto was like

09:40

uh

09:41

i think toronto is like a a a

09:44

much nicer and cleaner version of new

09:48

york in a way

09:49

like i love new york city and so people

09:51

hate that i said that but

09:53

it was like the perfect blend of calm

09:56

and still city life for me so new york

09:58

helped yeah set the stage for sure

10:01

that’s um yeah really interesting so i

10:03

guess um you having then

10:05

moved to dubai and experiencing all of

10:07

these

10:08

sort of emotions it must have surprised

10:10

you because you

10:12

you moved so many times beforehand and

10:14

so

10:15

that transition you must have felt that

10:18

it was going to be easier

10:19

exactly i thought i thought and i know i

10:22

wrote that in the book i thought i’m

10:23

like i got this down i’ve done this

10:25

before

10:25

it’s not going to be hard you know but

10:27

what i didn’t realize

10:29

happened was in moving back to

10:32

more closer to where my family was so

10:34

toronto was still

10:35

away from famine but it was closer than

10:37

new york it was like half an hour drive

10:40

in that time that i lived in toronto i

10:42

got much closer to my family

10:44

as an adult right so you’re out of

10:46

you’ve been working for a few years

10:48

you’re out of

10:49

university and i was getting to know my

10:51

family again

10:52

and i actually my parents were divorced

10:56

so i never

10:57

lived in canada when i was a child so it

10:59

was my first time really

11:01

spending time in my father’s country for

11:04

more than like a weekend or a holiday

11:06

and i didn’t know that that would impact

11:09

how much i

11:09

miss being close to family but when i

11:12

moved here and that’s really what

11:15

where it started to kind of what take me

11:17

over like oh this is this is not the

11:19

same

11:19

that’s really interesting because i

11:21

think when you’re a teenager in your

11:22

relationship

11:24

or even at university your relationship

11:25

with your parents is completely

11:27

different like

11:28

you said yeah you work for a few years

11:29

and then you really reconnect with them

11:32

as an adult and it’s a completely

11:34

different relationship when you’re much

11:35

older

11:36

yeah they’re people now they’re not just

11:38

like annoying okay you know whatever

11:40

they’re

11:40

other people with feelings and

11:42

experiences yeah

11:43

so you um explore in your book about

11:46

being ready for

11:47

emotional um so preparing yourself for

11:50

the emotional transition rather than

11:52

preparing yourself for the actual

11:54

physical move so

11:56

not so much focusing on your um

11:59

the types of places you’ll visit or

12:01

types of places you’ll go to eat etc

12:04

and you did mention that this is

12:06

something that you didn’t really

12:08

do but you sort of in hindsight would

12:10

have loved to have done

12:12

and i guess my first question is what

12:15

would you do differently now how would

12:17

you prepare yourself emotionally if you

12:19

had to do the move again

12:20

and what would be your advice to

12:22

somebody who might be sort of

12:23

just early transition and have has just

12:26

moved or is sort of due to move in the

12:28

next coming months

12:30

yeah so what would i do differently so

12:33

that part of that

12:34

it can be like international move can be

12:36

so overwhelming logistically

12:39

and especially moving to this country

12:42

getting to know and understanding

12:44

there’s a lot of misconceptions about

12:46

being afraid of the laws or like you

12:49

know understanding them and not wanting

12:50

to do the wrong thing and it can be

12:53

that was overwhelming for me because my

12:55

husband and i were figuring out

12:56

our marriage certificates and things

12:58

like that and

13:00

my husband is muslim and i

13:03

actually converted but i didn’t convert

13:05

until

13:06

i had already lived here for like eight

13:09

or so months so we were like

13:10

making sure okay we’re getting married

13:12

in the u.s

13:13

we had to like fly to washington dc to

13:16

get our certificate attested and fly to

13:18

new york then bring it over

13:20

so all of those things were consuming my

13:22

mind logistics of doing

13:24

paperwork essentially getting my license

13:27

when we got here all those things

13:29

so yeah that was in hindsight what i

13:32

think is most important is

13:35

understanding what you need as a person

13:37

to

13:38

kind of soothe yourself so we all kind

13:41

of think we know like oh i need to sleep

13:43

or i need

13:44

to just veg out and watch netflix and

13:46

and that

13:48

helps like sleep and and netflix helps

13:51

but what do you need and for me

13:53

i really need to see my family

13:56

on a on video so i didn’t learn that

13:59

until coming here that talking on the

14:02

phone

14:02

i wasn’t i was more able to say oh yeah

14:05

everything’s fine i’m okay how are you

14:08

because i couldn’t see their face but

14:10

when i

14:11

saw them and i could they could see my

14:14

facial expressions and if i physically

14:16

looked like i was rested or if i looked

14:18

like i was sad while i was saying oh

14:20

everything’s okay

14:21

um i really needed the the honest

14:24

emotional connection and for me that

14:26

means using video right so that’s one

14:28

thing that

14:29

i would have talked to and i did that a

14:31

little bit i talked to my family and

14:33

said okay we’ll plan to talk

14:35

you know once a week and we’ll

14:36

coordinate this but

14:38

coming up with a plan with the people

14:41

that

14:41

are most important to you your core

14:43

people i would say like

14:45

three to four people that are really

14:47

your

14:48

like um not advisors but like your solid

14:52

solid ground right and talking to them

14:54

and saying look

14:55

um i would love to reach out to you do

14:57

you want me to text you first like we’ll

14:59

try it and see what happens just kind of

15:01

opening up that conversation

15:03

so they know also they can come to you

15:05

and say hey i miss you

15:06

like can we figure out a better way to

15:08

stay in touch so

15:10

that would be one part of the

15:13

nurturing yourself and then also what do

15:16

you need as far as

15:18

even like your physical health so that

15:20

is one thing that can often

15:22

when we’re focused on our mental the

15:24

logistics

15:26

i like wasn’t drinking enough water i

15:29

wasn’t eating properly i was having a

15:31

lot of sugar

15:32

all those things are okay temporarily

15:34

but for me it got to the point

15:36

especially changing climate

15:37

where i got dehydrated and i had to go

15:39

to the doctor because i was so

15:41

dehydrated

15:42

so these kind of things is your physical

15:45

safety

15:45

and your emotional safety because when

15:48

you have

15:49

those things then the logistics

15:52

don’t make you so um reactive

15:55

like when things are stressful because

15:58

logistics and paperwork and all that is

16:00

is just

16:00

especially in a place where you don’t

16:02

know what’s going on can be very

16:04

stressful so having that foundation to

16:06

fall back on

16:07

yeah and i think that’s really important

16:09

because we

16:10

expect that the country that we’re

16:13

moving to will have the same logistics

16:15

that we’re used to in the country we’re

16:17

moving from

16:18

it’s funny right yeah and yeah and i

16:21

think that’s a big shock

16:22

for a lot of people especially when if

16:24

you’re doing the move to the uae because

16:26

being from the uk it’s a completely

16:27

different system which is probably what

16:29

you experience going from canada to the

16:30

uae as well yeah absolutely

16:32

yeah um you also talk a lot about

16:36

creating habits for actually setting or

16:38

settling into

16:40

a new environment or a new space and

16:43

you describe it specifically as choosing

16:46

um

16:47

a place for example a coffee shop or a

16:49

yoga studio or whatever

16:50

your interests might be so to choose a

16:53

place that you visit

16:54

on a regular basis and so you get to

16:56

know the people the faces that are there

16:57

and you actually feel

16:59

a bit of a connection to the people that

17:01

are actually working there

17:02

yeah and we just spoke about this a

17:04

little earlier how

17:06

you noticed in your husband because he

17:07

does a lot of traveling and

17:09

my husband also does a lot of traveling

17:10

for work and it seems that it’s

17:12

something that people that traveled

17:14

do to make themselves feel comfortable

17:16

and connected to the new environment

17:17

that they’re in

17:19

um how did you i mean is this something

17:21

that you still do do you still visit the

17:23

same coffee shop

17:24

has this become a regular place for you

17:27

yeah so yes and it’s funny like the

17:29

husband thing

17:30

my husband had a place when i here in

17:33

dubai he still has a place that he would

17:36

go

17:36

almost every day because it’s right near

17:38

his office and i’m like this is so

17:40

boring can we please go somewhere else i

17:42

just moved here i want to explore like

17:44

why do you keep bringing me back to this

17:45

place now my husband

17:46

lived here for about three years before

17:50

i moved so it was not new for him

17:52

anymore like that was just his

17:53

his place to go and i was like oh i

17:55

don’t get it i really don’t understand

17:57

but the first time so i

18:00

went to it’s a la pon you know the

18:03

bakery it

18:04

there’s one nearby and the first time i

18:07

went back there

18:08

and they said welcome back so good to

18:11

see you again i was like

18:12

why did that just make me feel so good

18:14

like i felt so like

18:15

you get a little like nice feeling in

18:17

your in your heart or whatever

18:19

and i was like oh that’s why he does it

18:21

and my husband will he knows people by

18:23

first name and that’s i encourage this

18:25

really

18:27

before you’re making your friends that

18:28

you’re gonna catch up with on the phone

18:30

and have over at your house for dinner

18:32

learn the names of the people that are

18:34

working in the places that are

18:35

serving you and helping you and getting

18:37

to know them because

18:39

they also really have their experience

18:41

of the city

18:42

their experience with this new place

18:44

that you’ve moved

18:45

and they can tell you things give you

18:48

recommendations but it’s

18:49

it’s mostly about the friendly face the

18:52

familiar place

18:53

that you go and you just feel

18:55

comfortable you have your seat

18:56

you have like make it seem almost overly

19:00

repetitive

19:01

because it will actually feel good like

19:03

you have your clothes it’s like when you

19:04

go

19:04

you had a class in the classroom and you

19:07

always go to the same seat or whatever

19:09

like even if it wasn’t a sign you just

19:11

sit there there’s a comfort level to

19:13

that and i really it really really

19:15

helped me so yeah i still go back there

19:17

not as much

19:18

now we’re still in yeah we’re not in

19:20

lockdown but limited

19:21

limited exposure but it it really

19:24

changed everything for me so having the

19:27

place to go and

19:28

and getting to know the people there um

19:30

is the one habit

19:32

and then also in your own home um

19:35

what i talk about is just setting up one

19:37

one corner it doesn’t even have to be a

19:38

whole room but when you first

19:40

move set up one part of a room that’s

19:43

your place to go

19:44

to like read or have your coffee or

19:46

whatever and then

19:47

then worry about the rest of the things

19:49

yeah yeah that’s um

19:51

yeah that’s interesting as well just

19:52

sort of focusing on one area rather than

19:54

sort of focusing on the whole

19:55

house yeah flat or wherever you need to

19:58

yeah

19:59

um and also the connection that the

20:02

sort of the workers at the coffee shop

20:05

or the restaurant or wherever you might

20:06

go to the connection they feel with you

20:08

must be quite nice for them also

20:10

for them to see someone who’s regular

20:12

and who comes sort of every day or every

20:14

other day must be quite nice for them

20:16

also

20:17

yeah it’s like a it’s not like a family

20:19

but it is almost and it is it’s my

20:21

husband is honestly got he’s to the

20:23

point where like

20:24

then he comes and brings guests and they

20:27

take oh here’s a special thing for you

20:29

or here’s like this

20:30

extra thing we did for you because they

20:31

really do appreciate it

20:33

yeah and you don’t do it just so you can

20:35

eventually get nice free things but

20:38

when you make people feel good that also

20:40

feels good

20:41

i think that’s actually something that i

20:43

noticed in the ue which is way

20:45

stronger than it is in like london for

20:48

example

20:49

um you don’t get the same even though

20:52

like you can’t go to the same place in

20:54

london

20:54

and start to get to know them it’s not

20:57

the same i guess maybe they don’t have

20:59

the time or it’s just a different

21:00

culture they don’t spend as much time

21:02

wanting to get to know you

21:04

as a customer yeah it i think

21:07

if you ask them questions maybe once in

21:10

a while

21:11

the first couple times it will feel

21:12

weird because no but they’re not used to

21:14

especially i would think in london like

21:16

they’re not used to people caring

21:18

necessarily about what’s going on with

21:20

them right yeah

21:21

so the more that you do it then they’ll

21:23

realize like oh

21:24

okay and they’ll enjoy it everybody

21:26

likes to be cared about

21:28

yeah i mean you’re probably right i

21:30

never actually um yeah

21:32

that that’s something that maybe i

21:33

should have done um but that’s

21:35

that’s quite interesting to see that

21:37

from that perspective

21:39

um that brings me on to expectations and

21:42

i know this

21:43

if we talk about this this is a really

21:44

big topic but

21:46

i’d love to just get an overview of what

21:48

you think about expectations because

21:50

when i

21:51

read that section of expectations in the

21:53

book

21:54

what i noticed was so we’ve talked a

21:57

little bit about

21:58

how my husband travels a lot so when we

22:00

met

22:01

what i was used to in a relationship was

22:03

very different to when i met my husband

22:04

because

22:05

our relationship had to be different

22:06

because he had to travel a lot for work

22:08

and so when people ask me how i cope

22:11

with

22:12

now my husband about the time when we’re

22:13

dating how like how do you cope with him

22:15

traveling so much

22:16

my answer was always oh i have no

22:18

expectations of him

22:19

but what i realized was it wasn’t i

22:21

hadn’t i didn’t have any expectations of

22:23

course everyone has expectations of a

22:25

relationship

22:26

or a place but it’s that i’d turn those

22:28

expectations

22:29

expectations into realistic expectations

22:32

and i think this is quite um

22:34

quite a distinct like the way of

22:36

thinking about it is actually quite

22:37

um it was quite profound for me to

22:40

realize that it wasn’t i had

22:41

i didn’t have any expectations it was

22:43

just that my expectations were realistic

22:45

you had different ones yeah yeah and so

22:48

yeah

22:48

yeah and so that that’s interesting from

22:50

a sort of transition into a new place

22:52

transitioning to motherhood it i think

22:55

for me this was really sort of resonated

22:57

as

22:58

becoming a mother from being an

22:59

independent woman to becoming a mother

23:01

as well

23:01

because the expectation thing is

23:03

something that really

23:05

hurts us in terms of how we perceive

23:07

things

23:09

and um i mean you talk about it in terms

23:12

of how to journal it and how to actually

23:14

make sense of it um how much of this do

23:18

you feel the expectations do you feel

23:20

that was adding to your anxiety

23:22

and do you see when you’re working with

23:23

clients and people that you speak to do

23:24

you feel that this is

23:26

one of the bigger factors that actually

23:27

adds to someone’s anxiety

23:30

yeah absolutely and most of it a lot of

23:33

it and i can resonate

23:34

though i’m not a mom yet with the

23:36

expectations of ourselves like that’s a

23:38

that’s a huge conversation

23:40

in the new mom space now which is

23:42

amazing i’m so grateful and people are

23:44

leading the way for me

23:46

but yeah in the move i had expectations

23:49

of myself like we said oh i

23:51

i’ve moved to different cities before so

23:54

this move

23:54

is going to be easy like i wrote in the

23:57

book and this you know somebody told me

23:58

oh give yourself about 12

24:00

you know 16 months and then you’ll start

24:02

to feel a little bit better i’m like

24:04

i’m not gonna wait for a year to feel

24:06

better like i’m gonna get this done

24:08

in like two months and so i had a lot of

24:10

expectations on myself of

24:12

how i would be how i would get to know

24:15

people

24:16

how i would be how my husband and i

24:17

would be together because

24:19

we were long distance essentially until

24:21

i moved here and that

24:23

that wasn’t we’re not long distance

24:25

anymore so our whole relationship is

24:26

different

24:27

and so i had expectations of what i

24:29

share in the book is like

24:31

he would come home and always first

24:32

thing he would do is check on me how are

24:34

you doing he didn’t do that but that was

24:36

an

24:36

expectation that i had so yeah it starts

24:39

definitely

24:40

at the self level like what expectations

24:42

do i have of myself

24:44

and then very much so the people closest

24:47

to us

24:47

that are in our own homes or that we

24:49

talk to the most and when you’re moving

24:52

expectations of the city the place how

24:54

people are going to be

24:55

as is the third layer

24:59

yeah and i think um that takes us on to

25:02

journaling

25:02

and how to actually really understand

25:05

this and i won’t ask you to go through

25:07

journaling and how to do it in detail

25:09

because i know that’s

25:11

i mean i still don’t have it down and

25:12

i’m definitely going to join your

25:14

journaling group because this is

25:15

something that i need to learn and do

25:17

better

25:18

um but it does i guess

25:21

make you understand and realize your own

25:23

thoughts and feelings

25:27

yeah so if you can’t what i love about

25:30

journaling is that you can do it in your

25:32

own time in your own space without it’s

25:34

free

25:35

basically and like unless you’re you’re

25:37

getting prompts from me or you’re

25:38

joining the course

25:39

it’s something that doesn’t cost

25:41

anything because it’s you and your own

25:43

mind and when it comes to the

25:44

expectations

25:46

that what i walk through in the book you

25:48

can do even in conversation with

25:49

somebody

25:51

but going through those categories so

25:53

okay if we’re thinking specifically

25:55

about

25:56

moving or becoming a mom it just and you

26:00

just ask yourself what expectations

26:02

do i have of myself and if nothing comes

26:05

up something usually will come up but if

26:07

nothing comes up

26:08

then it’s about like basically fill in

26:11

the blank sentences so

26:13

what i i really thought i would have had

26:15

this figured out by now

26:17

what is this like what is the thing that

26:19

i really thought i had figured out

26:20

that’s an expectation right so and when

26:23

it comes to

26:24

say your husband um okay i’m getting

26:28

angry with him

26:29

because he’s not asking me how i’m doing

26:32

so what expectation is under that well i

26:34

expected that he

26:35

he would realize i just made this whole

26:37

move for him and he would

26:38

always be worried about it and be asking

26:40

me how i’m doing like that’s the

26:41

expectation

26:43

and then then you ask yourself okay is

26:45

this helpful or not and it’s beautiful

26:47

what you said is that

26:48

you have more realistic expectations but

26:51

what happens when you don’t so for me

26:53

i was like okay this expectation of my

26:55

husband’s not working because i’m

26:57

getting angry he’s feeling like bad he

26:59

doesn’t know what to do

27:00

so what do i have to change my

27:02

expectation to

27:04

and what do i need to do and this is

27:06

what you have done

27:07

with you know your husband’s travel

27:08

which is great is okay

27:10

well maybe i can understand that i have

27:13

to tell him hey

27:14

can we talk about like i just want to

27:16

share about how i’m feeling or

27:18

um talk to him and say i’ve been getting

27:20

angry because i expected you to like

27:22

check in on me

27:23

do you mind just like doing that when

27:24

you come home can you just ask me how

27:26

i’m doing

27:27

like specifically with the move right so

27:30

asking yourself that question of

27:32

is my expectation working can give you

27:35

insight into

27:36

where you might need to adjust it or

27:38

where you have to

27:39

talk to somebody that you’ve been

27:41

expecting things of and let them know

27:43

why you’ve been cranky in my case or

27:46

whatever the situation

27:48

is yeah and i think just the the

27:50

expectations of my husband definitely

27:52

wasn’t something like that just happened

27:54

it was definitely something that i

27:56

worked

27:56

towards but i didn’t it was just that i

27:59

realized that it was actually that i

28:00

had turned my expectations into more

28:02

realistic expectations

28:04

yeah without actually realizing that i’d

28:05

done that um but that’s a great thing

28:08

that i just uh to call on that because a

28:10

lot of us

28:11

you you already are internally

28:13

reflective because clearly

28:14

something i we maybe don’t recognize the

28:17

process when it’s happening

28:18

but you realize okay i don’t want to

28:20

feel this way i don’t want to feel like

28:22

i’m in this belief system of a lot that

28:25

a lot of women have about their husbands

28:27

who travel

28:28

and so i’m deciding like i’m gonna

28:30

choose another way

28:31

so you probably watch yourself through a

28:33

very similar process without

28:35

needing to write it down yeah so i think

28:38

so

28:38

this is actually a question so i’m not

28:40

someone who

28:42

has ever sat down and journaled or

28:44

written

28:46

yet i feel like i am to a degree

28:48

slightly reflective

28:49

and obviously there’s always places and

28:52

time to improve and get better

28:54

but do you feel that journaling would

28:56

help everybody is it for everyone

29:00

i would say yes um because

29:03

i i’ve never had anyone journal with me

29:06

or that i shared journaling with

29:08

and that just said this has made things

29:09

worse i don’t think that it could do

29:11

that

29:12

um i think though what a lot of people

29:15

have resistance when they come to me is

29:17

like but i’m not a good writer

29:19

and this is what what i think is the

29:21

best thing

29:22

about journaling is that nobody’s

29:24

looking and my

29:26

my most um relieving kind of journaling

29:29

sessions like the ones where i feel

29:30

relaxed after like i

29:31

just release i don’t know stress or

29:34

whatever is going on

29:35

they don’t often make sense so like i

29:37

will sometimes have sentences of like

29:39

random words

29:41

that are just my brain bringing out

29:43

certain memories and then it’s going

29:44

quickly to another thing

29:46

so journaling doesn’t have to make sense

29:48

it doesn’t have to be proper

29:50

it’s not like this i think a lot of

29:51

people think of oh you know like a

29:54

historical

29:55

like shakespeare’s journal

29:58

that’s not quite what we’re not worried

30:00

about who’s gonna find it

30:01

in 10 generations of of our that can be

30:05

a different notebook

30:06

right like your history your legacy can

30:08

be a different notebook but the

30:10

journaling that i really

30:11

support people with and use and teach

30:13

people is like

30:15

just working through your own thoughts

30:17

and it’s not for anyone else

30:18

and it can be compared to actually robin

30:20

sharma

30:21

who wrote oh my gosh the monk who sold

30:25

his ferrari

30:26

is his most popular book i think he has

30:28

called

30:29

journaling meditation on paper so

30:32

a lot of people think of meditation as

30:35

quieting the mind but what i love about

30:37

journaling is that we’re not trying to

30:39

go to no thoughts we’re just trying to

30:41

empty the thoughts

30:42

right and if you if you’re someone who

30:44

struggles with meditation

30:46

then journaling can be kind of like that

30:48

first layer of okay let me

30:50

just brain dump right and then you have

30:52

more space to maybe sit and meditate and

30:55

and all those things so yes

30:56

long answer i think it can be for

30:58

everybody yeah

31:00

yeah that’s really um interesting but i

31:02

think you’re right in saying that

31:04

my barrier is that i feel i’m not a good

31:06

writer that’s the thing that would limit

31:08

me and that’s a limiting belief right

31:09

that’s just

31:10

something that you have to work past

31:12

yeah because good writer is also

31:14

subjective like okay i wrote a book

31:16

first of all there are still errors in

31:17

my book i don’t know if you saw them

31:19

there are spelling errors or some like

31:21

things but and i edited it three times

31:24

and i had an editor so

31:25

being a good writer like nobody that’s

31:28

published a book didn’t have an editor

31:30

or didn’t edit

31:31

multiple things right so when you’re

31:32

journaling for yourself

31:34

absolutely like just just try it yeah

31:37

i’m really really excited to give it a

31:39

go um so

31:41

i think we’ve covered a lot and there

31:43

was a lot of sort of transition

31:45

and moving from one place to another

31:48

um i just i don’t know you’ve not had

31:51

the experience of going from

31:52

um being an independent woman to having

31:55

a child

31:56

and it’ll be really i’m really excited

31:58

to hear your

31:59

experience of that when you do go

32:01

through that transition

32:03

and i just wanted to point out for me

32:05

that i found a lot of similarities

32:07

in the transition from going from one

32:10

place to another and the transition from

32:12

being sort of a working independent

32:13

woman and not having anybody relying on

32:16

you to actually then having or becoming

32:18

a mother

32:19

and i found a lot of similarities in

32:20

that transition and the emotions that

32:22

you feel

32:23

between them um so i just wanted to

32:26

point that out so even if

32:27

you sort of a listener or someone who’s

32:29

listening actually transitioned to their

32:31

new city

32:32

um years ago and they feel that they are

32:34

part of the community

32:35

you might actually find some value in

32:37

your book because the emotions and the

32:39

transitions you feel

32:40

going into motherhood very similar to

32:43

yeah they’re also what

32:44

and what i say to people is like okay

32:46

this is a book about moving but it’s not

32:48

really like once you read it

32:50

you realize like you said it’s really

32:52

about the inner foundation within

32:54

yourself

32:55

and what’s beautiful and the work that

32:57

i’m expanding more into is there are so

32:59

many

33:00

things in life that could be considered

33:02

a transition so

33:03

i’ve gone through a lot of loss like

33:05

people passing away and my family

33:07

that is a transition because your

33:09

identity becomes different

33:11

motherhood is a transition of your

33:13

identity moving

33:15

you know getting married all of these

33:16

things are transition

33:18

and it comes back to yeah how we’re

33:21

relating to ourselves the expectations

33:23

we have

33:24

of ourselves and this idea that

33:27

the hard heavy feelings are

33:30

bad and i think that’s an underlying

33:33

thing it’s like oh i must be doing

33:34

something wrong because i feel bad

33:37

but actually that’s just because your

33:40

whole identity is different like anybody

33:42

who goes through this

33:43

is feeling that way and so absolutely i

33:46

think there’s common threads and i will

33:47

share i mentioned

33:48

cheryl paul’s work about the book for

33:51

getting married but

33:52

she does a lot of work just in this kind

33:55

of transition as well and

33:57

i know she also shares motherhood going

33:59

into motherhood

34:01

she talks about like having health

34:03

crises all these kind of things that

34:05

shake your identity

34:06

um are all foundationally laid in that

34:10

relationship with ourselves yeah oh i’ll

34:13

definitely

34:13

um look her books up and check her work

34:16

out

34:16

so where’s the best where’s the best

34:18

place to find you rachel if a listener

34:20

wants to reach out to you or learn more

34:22

about you

34:23

right now instagram is the place to be

34:26

um i’m at home within is the handle on

34:29

instagram but you can also just search

34:31

rachel lynn expat and it will come up in

34:34

the search

34:35

if you want to email me i’m happy to

34:38

discuss i know not everybody

34:40

loves or is on instagram yeah but happy

34:42

to connect

34:43

at rachelheifenlim.com and

34:46

my journaling course is

34:48

journalingwithin.com so they’re all

34:50

there if people want to check any of

34:52

that out

34:53

i’ll link all of those in the show notes

34:55

so and the listeners will be able to

34:56

find you

34:57

easily i’d like to thank you again

34:59

rachel for

35:00

the discussion today i really enjoyed it

35:02

and i’ve learned so much from you and

35:04

thank you for the book it’s really made

35:06

a difference to

35:07

my transition um not just to the new

35:10

place but to motherhood as well

35:12

i’m so happy thank you so much for

35:14

sharing with everyone thank you

 

Rachael @withrachaellynn and Website

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